Stuck with super glue

Stuck with super glue is a phrase commonly heard around my house.  This phrase has helped to calm anxiety, helped to lessen stress, helped to bring in to focus the here and now versus the then. It is a phrase we have spent two years working on and today it makes life much easier. Today we can drop off at school without tears, we can enter a new situation and hold hands, not be in mommy’s arms. Today he knows that mommy comes back to “get me” every time, because we are stuck with super glue. It is often the stretchy kind of super glue that lets him be in one place (school, friends house) and me be in another ( work, running errands) without him being panicked or hyper vigilant to the when or, worse in his mind, if I am coming back to get him. 

Two years ago I called my pediatrician after several weeks (okay honesty, months) of rough nights. Rough nights sometimes meant 2 hours of sleep followed by 4-5 hours of wired wide awake because he was afraid to go back to sleep, or it meant night terrors that led to him trying to physically hurt himself or me. He was two, almost three and had been with me, in my house for almost two years, the night he had a night terror so bad he left bruises across my upper arms and chest. He was fighting so hard in pure terror. It was primal fight or flight response and I knew that the sweet little boy I saw during the light of day needed help to fight the darkness of night. So my pediatrician gave me the information for a lovely lady named Donna Potter at CCFH. The day that Donna called and talked to me, I wanted to cry. Here was someone who believed that my little boy could have significant trauma pre-adoption that we needed to deal with now and she said magical words...” we can help and I think you need to see Rebecca Hubbard for CPP therapy.” I had no idea what CPP therapy was, but I was happy to go try anything that would help, that would allow him and I to sleep. 

A few weeks later we went in for our initial evaluation at CCFH. I talked to someone for a while and then we were introduced to Ms Rebecca.  Little Man did not seem to want much to do but play with the toys there that day, but a relationship with Ms Rebecca was started and healing began. We started once a week visits in 2011 just before Thanksgiving. The first time we were in her office Little Man was falling over everything, not able to control his body. He didn’t have any regulation of emotions or his body, so we set goals and started the work.  Some weeks were harder than others, but it didn’t take long to realize that while he was just a “baby” when he came home the trauma of loss had left a huge mark on his heart. 

I believed we had attached and even actually attached pretty securely, boy was I wrong. Even six months in to the therapy I could see how attachment was changing and how much deeper it could be. He started to talk about things and I realized my reality needed to change. I had adopted an infant, the books prepare you for trauma and hardships (sort of, at least they allude to there being some) when you adopt older. But very few mention how much the body remembers of trauma in a young child. Little Man held feelings of loss, abandonment, fear and the triggers were everywhere. Leaving him at school in the morning, entering a place where it was loud, lots of people and busy, telling him to wait because I was cooking dinner and he didn’t need a snack right that minute. Any of it, all of it could send him spiraling and neither of us knew why. But we were learning with Ms Rebecca and we were both getting better. I was stressing less and listening more to him, to his body language and mostly to his sleep patterns.  Sleep has been his dead give away always. When he trusts, when he is secure then he sleeps, when one or more of those is missing sleep and dark are not our friends. 

I am not sure when the phrase “stuck with super glue” came in to our therapy conversations, but it was pretty early on in the process. Little Man explained pretty early on that “I should have been in Africa earlier.” It became a daily conversation as we drove to school, it was a daily comment when I picked him up, it was a nightly routine to be “stuck” together for a while on the couch watching a show or in the rocking chair reading a book or even sometimes sitting on his bed as he went to sleep. We talked about how super glue sticks things together strong and that sometimes our super glue has to be stretchy so he can be one place and I can be another, but we will always “snap” back together. 

As therapy progressed it became less about me reminding him we had super glue, but more him commenting in moments of need about the super glue, almost as if checking to make sure I remembered that we were “stuck” together. Today we talk about there being super glue on our hands and that we can go to the mall or some place crowded and just hold hands as a reminder that we are together, that I am not going anywhere and that I will keep him safe.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still moments of hard, times that he gets triggered where fear and panic override any logic. But they are less and less, and more importantly we deal with those moments in the moment and they cause less “damage.” We recover faster. Sleep is still my “thermometer” to how calm his brain is each day. Most times it is better. Right now we are in a rough patch, but I know why and while I can’t remove the why, I can help him process it and reassure the what. Right now we remember and discuss super glue everyday and most nights. 

Little Man has control, as much as a not quite 5 year old can, of his emotions and physical movements of his body. There are things he choses not to control and we continue to work on those, But Ms Rebecca and CPP have “stuck” us together forever and he knows it, not just in words, but the body memory knows it. Through games, role plays, daily reinforcement  and weekly time with Ms Rebecca, his body memory is remembering new. 

So we celebrate how far we have come. We celebrate the work he has done. We celebrate that super glue “stretches” so we can go apart and come back together each and every time. 

2 years ago as we started therapy

Recently having fun as we look at our cotton candy tongues

Finished with therapy!

  

Virtual Run- Childhood Cancer Awareness

Today 36 families will hear words they wish to never hear and honestly never imagined they would hear...."We found a tumor/mass and believe your child has cancer"

We look at our kids each day, watch them laugh and play, grow and change, never imagining that the cough, the headache, the pain they complain about is something as serious as cancer. But sadly everyday of the year, there are 36 families who hear that news and even worse there will be 7 families whose child loses their fight against childhood cancer.

My little man and my nephew

A few weeks ago my best friend, of 24 years, and her husband heard probably the second worst set of words they can imagine, "the cancer is back."  I live far away and can only offer words of encouragement over the phone and the computer. Or so I thought. 

It is Childhood Cancer awareness month in September, so I have written a letter to the American Cancer Society to support getting more than the current amount to fund childhood cancer research and worn a gold ribbon and now I am going to sponsor a virtual 5k run/walk or family fun mile to help raise funds for their medical expenses and neuroblastoma research.  Please see the virtual run tab to sign up for the run. The run is from Sept 15th to Oct 31st.  I will start sending out the medals at the beginning of October. Just post the date you did your walk/run and the time it took you and I will ship away! Hope you like the medal I designed!.

Guest Post

         Today I got the opportunity to share and blog over at this website :
http://4sqclobberscancer.com/2013/09/03/dear-american-cancer-society/

I can't promise I won't spend a good deal of time this month talking about kids cancer, but I promise I will share Little Man news with you as well. I have a longer post and a picture to share later this evening but for now I wanted to share that I was "published" on a different blog.

Also I want to encourage people to check back tomorrow as I am going to be hosting my first virtual run. The details and all will come tomorrow. And if you aren't sure what a virtual run is than please check back and learn!

Have a great afternoon...I'll be back later/

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

It is September 2nd and childhood cancer awareness month started yesterday. If you follow me on FB you know that my nephew is starting his battle again.

In the last week I have looked for and sought ways I could be of help to my family and other kids who are battling this disease.  I don't have financial means to make great donations for research or fly across the country to help them at this time. I was feeling stuck, my own bills mounting and yet this desire to do something.

 The night I found out  that the cancer was back, I quickly made a ribbon for Little Mr M! and then inspiration struck. I have opened a page on Cafe Press to sell some artwork I created for this month. (with the help of my Mac and a tagexdo).  Here is the site please share it, purchase something if you are so inclined.. But also for this month could you wear a gold ribbon, put one on your social media page, something to bring awareness.

I may be only one person but I have the power to make change if I use my voice to inform others. Join me in making a change, in helping not just my family but lots of families who fight this disease.  Go here please and shop for something, the proceeds will go to help a kids battle cancer either their personal battle or for research that is actually aimed a pediatric research.

http://www.cafepress.com/kidsdeserveacure


 Below are some statistics I was not aware of until recently, they floored me, hurt my heart and made me angry all in the same breath.
- Each year in the U.S. there are approximately 13,400 children between the ages of birth and 19 years of age who are diagnosed with cancer.
- That means about 37 kids a day, every day 
- About one in 300 boys and one in 333 girls will develop cancer before their 20^th birthday
- Approximately 7 kids a day will die from pediatric cancer- that is about 2550 kids a year. 

Back to School!!

  So several months ago I started on a new business adventure to try and help offset some medical and daycare cost. I have not been as diligent as I should have been about getting the business up and running. But I have had some wonderful friends support me so far and want to give something back to all the people who have stood by me. I am in love with the company, the products and the connections I have made working with them! I have a private FB page that I would love to add you to if you want to keep up with other specials I will be running from now through the holidays..but for now here is my first special I am offering as a Thirty-One Products private consultant!

Special Offer for YOU!!!

Collect orders through catalog or online 

from now until Aug. 23rd and 

I will donate 20% of all sales to you.

You can use the money to buy supplies for your classroom,  to donate to your childs classroom teacher or for some personal fun

AND...

if you collect $500 in orders 

(which is $100 in your pocket) 

I will also give you a $50 credit towards any Thirty-One product of your choice.

Just a token to say THANK YOU for all that you do as teachers or homeschooling momma’s.

YOU ARE APPRECIATED more than you know!

$200 = $40 for you

$300 = $60 for you

$400= $80 for you

$500= $100 for you PLUS a $50 credit for Thirty-One

Stuck together with super glue- remembering the past and rejoicing in the now

             The last few days have been a bit hard with Little Man. Between being tired plus a change of schedule and current boundary testing, he has been  off. Trying not to add too much thought into it, this has historically been a hard time of year for him as well. (Yes, I know he is only 4,  how much history is there, but there is history) So I have taken tonight after I got him to sleep to sit and look back at where we were and where we are now.

He is also angry about something right now and he is spending time yelling at me, but he trusts enough to yell and know I am not leaving. He is doing all those things he should have done to test boundaries at 2 & 3 but didn't really do because he was dealing with too many other things. He is challenging me and I am tired, but when I look back, I am no where as tired as I was 2 years ago.

Two years ago at this time Little Man was having nightmares (night terrors) so bad I was  lucky to be getting 2-4 hours of sleep a night. The terror would wake him at between 12 and 1am and he would be wired, terrified of sleep coming, so he would force himself awake for hours on end. Generally falling back to sleep around 4am. The day would start for me around 5:30 and him around 6:30. I am not sure how we made it through those days, but we did and we managed to laugh and love and grow closer in our relationship. The night terrors went on for a long time; with periods of calm followed by periods of chaos.
     I just pushed through until it all got too hard and I finally reached out for help. I called our pediatrician explained the night terrors, his reactions and where we were at. She said it was time to get help. I am thankful everyday for that phone call.
   I had a phone conversation with an amazing woman Mrs P., who gave me hope and more importantly let me know I was not losing my mind. Shortly after that phone conversation we met Ms R.  and started therapy. We started to work on the things that were causing the night terrors.  I learned things about a young mind that floored me, humbled me and inspired me. Therapy has given us nights filled with sleep, days filled with more love and laughter. It has created an attachment between little man and I that never thought we would truly achieve. It has allowed him to rest, to grow, to feel safe and secure. When we started the therapy Little Man was affectionately known as "the floating head" He knew lots of things in his brain, but refused to actually feel the rest of his body. Today he mostly allows himself to take it all in. We still have work to do and we will continue, but we have come so far.

About the time we started to get help with the terrors, we started having the issues with his GI tract. Eating became a challenge again. I overlooked it, blamed it on the sleeping being weird, it being developmentally appropriate anything, but thinking something was wrong. It got worse until we landed in the hospital twice in 2 months and again for a barrage of testing  two months later. T

The GI tract is still an issue, his response to physical pain- still a challenge, getting caught up emotionally to his chronological age - still a process. But he is secure and he is doing things a 4 year old boy should be doing and I rejoice in that. We have worked hard at weekly therapy for 20 months, we have started medications to help calm his brain so he can process that this, our family, is permanent. We still are seeing doctors to work on neurological and physical issues, but we are working the process together, with a better understanding of what is going on and how to handle it.

Tonight I am drained, in every sense of that word; mental, emotional, physical, financial all of it. We got not so great news at GI today and so we face the next challenge. But at the same time we got news that the MRI looks good. Therapy is going so well that we are cutting back, scaling down the support. Mrs P. and Ms R. believe that I can handle it, that he is doing awesome and we together are good. I am nervous but excited. They have been my support and understanding in ways that are sometime hard for the outsider/casual observer to get.

But tonight I am also thankful that when he laughs and smiles with me, that  his big brown eyes can light the room. The joy goes all the way through him. That tonight he could tell me "God is in my heart and all around me and He loves me."

There will always be growth, as there is with any parent/child relationship. But tonight in this moment Little Man knows the super glue has dried and we are stuck together forever. It will stretch to let us go apart but it will always bring us back together.

Interesting information: How one as little as Little Man can have to fight the past.

   Most people who meet Little Man or who look at pictures of him comment on how happy he is and then usually comment on his eyes or his smile. All of which I love and agree with! He is a happy kid, most of the time.

 As I have traveled the road of being a mom of a child from trauma I have found that I encounter people who respond usually in one of three ways to the journey we are on: 1) Acceptance and/or even knowledge of the road we travel and what it, at least, generally looks like. 2)  A want to know what  or how something like this can remain in a child who was so young's mind. And a belief that the road Little Man is walking is real and hard 3) Complete disbelief that a child who came to me at a year old can have memories and trauma "when he was just a baby."

From the beginning none of these responses have shocked me.  The people in group one have become my safety, those that I call on in the dark moments; they cheer me on, lift me up and try to help me understand what is going on and how to help. The people in group two have become my cheerleaders and support system as well. They listen, ask and are willing to accept and help when, where and how they can. Some in group 3 move quickly into group 2 or even 1 and some in group 3 move quickly out of my life. I have lost friends over this journey which makes me sad. Please know that I am by NO means an expert at what is happening in my child's brain that causes these triggers and response. I am learning every day with him and how to help him. But I know that look of fear in his eyes, the sound of his breathing, the stiffness of his body and the beat of his heart when he no longer feels the safety of his present and is in the grasp of his past.

The other day a friend of mine from that first group of people, who happens to be walking the road and has intimate knowledge of what it is like sent me this link:  Trauma Doesn't Tell Time

This article does a great job of explaining what is happening and why.

This paragraph at the beginning of the article explains a bunch of the questions people ask me in ways I have never been able to explain it.
Traumatic experiences, even the earliest and preverbal traumatic experiences, remain stored in our children’s brains. The normal information processing system that stores memories in the appropriate places in our brain is thwarted by the cascade of hormones and neurochemicals that are released during a traumatic or frightening experience. The memory- along with the images, feelings, and body sensations, remain literally frozen in their nervous system.

Please go read the article: I learned a lot about what Little Man is going through and even some things to help him. If you are in our lives and want to know more this is a great place to start and then talk to me, ask me questions let me share a little about it with you.  For those of you who already talk, ask and listen, this article just puts it in words that I have never been able to.

Thank you to all the groups of people I encounter, yes even the group 3's because they challenge me to make sure I understand and can explain it. For those who are my support system: I am not sure I say it often enough you guys are my rock when I am not sure how to stand. Thank you so much for all of  the love, kind words, time, hugs and so much else you give to us!