Stuck with super glue

Stuck with super glue is a phrase commonly heard around my house.  This phrase has helped to calm anxiety, helped to lessen stress, helped to bring in to focus the here and now versus the then. It is a phrase we have spent two years working on and today it makes life much easier. Today we can drop off at school without tears, we can enter a new situation and hold hands, not be in mommy’s arms. Today he knows that mommy comes back to “get me” every time, because we are stuck with super glue. It is often the stretchy kind of super glue that lets him be in one place (school, friends house) and me be in another ( work, running errands) without him being panicked or hyper vigilant to the when or, worse in his mind, if I am coming back to get him. 

Two years ago I called my pediatrician after several weeks (okay honesty, months) of rough nights. Rough nights sometimes meant 2 hours of sleep followed by 4-5 hours of wired wide awake because he was afraid to go back to sleep, or it meant night terrors that led to him trying to physically hurt himself or me. He was two, almost three and had been with me, in my house for almost two years, the night he had a night terror so bad he left bruises across my upper arms and chest. He was fighting so hard in pure terror. It was primal fight or flight response and I knew that the sweet little boy I saw during the light of day needed help to fight the darkness of night. So my pediatrician gave me the information for a lovely lady named Donna Potter at CCFH. The day that Donna called and talked to me, I wanted to cry. Here was someone who believed that my little boy could have significant trauma pre-adoption that we needed to deal with now and she said magical words...” we can help and I think you need to see Rebecca Hubbard for CPP therapy.” I had no idea what CPP therapy was, but I was happy to go try anything that would help, that would allow him and I to sleep. 

A few weeks later we went in for our initial evaluation at CCFH. I talked to someone for a while and then we were introduced to Ms Rebecca.  Little Man did not seem to want much to do but play with the toys there that day, but a relationship with Ms Rebecca was started and healing began. We started once a week visits in 2011 just before Thanksgiving. The first time we were in her office Little Man was falling over everything, not able to control his body. He didn’t have any regulation of emotions or his body, so we set goals and started the work.  Some weeks were harder than others, but it didn’t take long to realize that while he was just a “baby” when he came home the trauma of loss had left a huge mark on his heart. 

I believed we had attached and even actually attached pretty securely, boy was I wrong. Even six months in to the therapy I could see how attachment was changing and how much deeper it could be. He started to talk about things and I realized my reality needed to change. I had adopted an infant, the books prepare you for trauma and hardships (sort of, at least they allude to there being some) when you adopt older. But very few mention how much the body remembers of trauma in a young child. Little Man held feelings of loss, abandonment, fear and the triggers were everywhere. Leaving him at school in the morning, entering a place where it was loud, lots of people and busy, telling him to wait because I was cooking dinner and he didn’t need a snack right that minute. Any of it, all of it could send him spiraling and neither of us knew why. But we were learning with Ms Rebecca and we were both getting better. I was stressing less and listening more to him, to his body language and mostly to his sleep patterns.  Sleep has been his dead give away always. When he trusts, when he is secure then he sleeps, when one or more of those is missing sleep and dark are not our friends. 

I am not sure when the phrase “stuck with super glue” came in to our therapy conversations, but it was pretty early on in the process. Little Man explained pretty early on that “I should have been in Africa earlier.” It became a daily conversation as we drove to school, it was a daily comment when I picked him up, it was a nightly routine to be “stuck” together for a while on the couch watching a show or in the rocking chair reading a book or even sometimes sitting on his bed as he went to sleep. We talked about how super glue sticks things together strong and that sometimes our super glue has to be stretchy so he can be one place and I can be another, but we will always “snap” back together. 

As therapy progressed it became less about me reminding him we had super glue, but more him commenting in moments of need about the super glue, almost as if checking to make sure I remembered that we were “stuck” together. Today we talk about there being super glue on our hands and that we can go to the mall or some place crowded and just hold hands as a reminder that we are together, that I am not going anywhere and that I will keep him safe.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still moments of hard, times that he gets triggered where fear and panic override any logic. But they are less and less, and more importantly we deal with those moments in the moment and they cause less “damage.” We recover faster. Sleep is still my “thermometer” to how calm his brain is each day. Most times it is better. Right now we are in a rough patch, but I know why and while I can’t remove the why, I can help him process it and reassure the what. Right now we remember and discuss super glue everyday and most nights. 

Little Man has control, as much as a not quite 5 year old can, of his emotions and physical movements of his body. There are things he choses not to control and we continue to work on those, But Ms Rebecca and CPP have “stuck” us together forever and he knows it, not just in words, but the body memory knows it. Through games, role plays, daily reinforcement  and weekly time with Ms Rebecca, his body memory is remembering new. 

So we celebrate how far we have come. We celebrate the work he has done. We celebrate that super glue “stretches” so we can go apart and come back together each and every time. 

2 years ago as we started therapy

Recently having fun as we look at our cotton candy tongues

Finished with therapy!

  

Sensory processing, PTSD and 4 days in a hospital

I have started this post at least  a half dozen times since we came home on Friday and have not quite figured out the right words or directions to take the post. I am still processing the what has happened and the aftermath of spending four days in the hospital with a child that has sensory processing difficulties and PTSD.

We were admitted to the hospital on Tuesday for a blockage in his GI tract, nothing scary, but certainly had gotten to the serious enough point where they hospitalized us. I knew when we walked in that it would be a couple of days stay. Little man and I had talked about going to the hospital, why we were having to go and to the best of my knowledge what they were going to have to do. I was trying to prepare him the best I possibly could. What I have discovered was I needed as much preparation as he did!

The staff at the hospital was amazing. I could not have asked for better nurses, nurse practitioners and the various other staff that stopped by to check on us. They listened when I talked about his needs and respected it. When it came time to get him ready for an IV, the nurse sat on the floor, had him help her put the numbing cream on his arm and then discussed what she was doing. She brought in a sample NG tube and helped him "place the NG tube" in his stuffed animal. They told him whenever they were going to do something and talked him through each process. I was amazed and thrilled.  Unfortunately at 3 while the talking helped him through at that instant it does not hold off the trauma of it all and the feeling of not having control of the situation.

Now for the more emotional side of my writing this post-
    Just about a year ago little man began having horrible nightmares. It took me several months to reach out for help and not long after that for a doctor to say looks like PTSD, go see this person..who we have now been seeing weekly for 8 months for PTSD. We have come a long ways, in helping little man talk about his "big feelings" and recognizing when his body is having "big feelings" And I think I undid a lot of that this past week.

Since we have gotten home these are a few behaviors and emotions I have seen- anger, throwing toys, stripping his bed to nothing, throwing his toys away in the trash can (favorite toys nonetheless) and panic about food again. The last one I think is the one that hits me, because I totally forgot to anticipate that. I took a child who came to me at just over 12 months hoarding food and spent 4 days telling him he couldn't have the food he was asking for, that all he could have was jello, juice, chicken broth and popsicles. What did I expect? I just didn't think about it and there was nothing I could do to change what they were giving him. but I maybe could have changed the way I answered him, the discussion that went with the  "no".


We have been home a week now....and I still have not finished this post..tonight I am going to finish.

In the week we have been home I have watched him struggle and begin to regain his comfort with food. I have watched him loose all his connection to what his body is telling him whether that be the need to go to the bathroom or eat or sleep. I have seen him seek the structured of his organized day at school and evening routine and then panic when I went to leave him at school. I have watched him fight the demons at night. His fitful sleep has returned and his fear of going to sleep is at a high.

We are tired, we are emotional, we are drained...we are clinging to each other to make it through. And yet, I am brought to my knees in gratitude that through all the troubles we are having and as angry at me as he is, he seeks me in his fear, he calls for me even in his sleep. Something bad and traumatic happened last week and I was there to witness all of it, I sat by his side, with him through all the scary moments, lack of control moments and he came out of understandably angry, but knowing mommy doesn't leave. He came out of it witnessing my unconditional love and the love and support of so many people who came to the hospital to check on him.

We can and will work through all the rest of it, because he knows that we are a family. We will work through tired, angry, emotionally confused and drained because we are a family and nothing is going to make me leave his side.  For tonight we sleep, as best we can and face tomorrow together. Tomorrow we work on healing, we work on connecting to our body again and what it is telling us. Tomorrow we work on laughter instead of anger.

Day 4- Gotcha Day

Bezza arriving with Isaiah Yabsira

Our first picture together he is still not so sure of me

Nap time..so precious

Sweet little hands

Awake and playing!

12/21/2009

It was Gotcha Day and I did not sleep well the night before. I was up at 7:30 in the morning in a mix of excitement that Isaiah was coming and new parent jitters. Would I know how to comfort him? Would he want anything to do with me? Would he sleep? Would he eat? All sorts of questions running through my head. So after being awake at 3 am and reading for a while to try and get back to sleep and then being awake again at 7:30 I gave up, got up, showered and then spent time trying to figure out what to wear. Yeah I did, I worried what to wear to meet Isaiah. Not sure why I thought my 12 month old would care, but it was something to focus on so my clothes are what I focused on for the moment. I went down and had some of Haile's great eggs and then proceeded to wait. I was hoping that Haile would have Isaiah brought to me before he started the airport runs for the day. Byron and Audrey were coming back from Lalibela, Brenna and John, Glynnis and Joe were scheduled to arrive as well.

So I went upstairs and made sure camera and videocamera batteries were charged and ready and hoped that Tigist would be willing to videotape the event for me. I figured I could take a few pictures as he first got there and then rely on the video for the rest of it. I was lucky one of the nannies that were scheduled to work at the Guest House for us was also there that morning so I got a mix of pictures and video. At 10 Haile arrived and said he was making an airport run and Isaiah would be brought to me at around noon. A timeframe, but it is Africa and nothing really runs on time:) So I went upstairs again and tried to figure out what toys I might want downstairs with me when I met him. BTW this was pointless as I used none of them :)

Shortly after twelve Bezza, Getu and Isaiah arrived at the guest house. I think I was overwhelmed. Here he was, finally after all the waiting, praying, hoping, wishing, he was here, really there for me to hold. And for a brief moment I was sad that I was there alone for this moment. That there was not someone else who would be able to share with me and him how our meeting looked from the outside watching us. That moment passed quickly when Bezza came through the gates with him, from that moment on he was all I could see. I left him in Bezza's arms for a while as I talked to him, touched his hair and back. I left him with Bezza for probably five minutes while I talked to him, then Bezza told me it was time to take him. So I did, he was so small, so light. He was wearing an outfit I had sent to him, and came with a bag of some of the toys I had sent and the photo album I had sent. He cried, reached back for Bezza calling her Amaye ( the Amharic word for mom). I just held him, quietly talked to him, told him I know he was scared, hurt and that it was okay to cry. He settled pretty quickly actually. Although he would stop crying for a few and then start again. Bezza left after telling me his eating habits and that he had eye medicine for an eye infection. He and I stayed outside with Tigist and the nanny for a while.

Brenna, John, Glynnis and Joe arrived while we were still outside. Brenna and John were on their second adoption and their son Japhy was with them. He was beautiful, but understandably they were tired from a busy travel day and pretty promptly went upstairs to settle in and nap. It was nice to get to meet them and have someone else there.Isaiah and I went upstairs, had a bottle and he fell asleep against me. He slept for almost 3 hours and when he woke up he cried a little but let me comfort him. When we came downstairs again I was shocked to see that he would not go to the guest house workers. If they took him from me he screamed and reached back for me. I was overjoyed at that reaction. Tigist told me that was unusual:) I decided to have Johnie help me place an international call to Jen. I needed to hear a familiar voice, to have my support system. It was going well, but was still just an emotionally raw moment. So I called Jen and told her I was holding the most amazing little boy in my arms. While Jen and I were talking Jim arrived with Sally and Tom. I let Jim talk to Jen for a few minutes as I had only paid for a 10 minute conversation.

After Jim got settled he came down and we ordered dinner from Zola's! Like I said the staple for the week. Jim shared that Sally had suggested the best way to not get sick was to eat the traditional Ethiopian food and drink coke. OKAY!! not a problem. (Makes me wonder now if the pasta I had the first day is what made me so sick when I got home!?!?) But either way we ordered dinner and cokes from Zola's and ate dinner. Isaiah in my lap! It was awesome!! I did not eat much, nerves, stress and probably the beginning of getting sick. Isaiah and I hung downstairs for a little while and then at about 7:30 went upstairs and got ready for bed. He let me change him with no screaming fit which I figured was a good sign. I gave him a bottle and off to sleep he went. I laid there watching him for a long time. He was and still is perfect :)

At about 2 am I heard the car pull up out front, downstairs I went Lisa, Nate, Laura and David were finally here. I brought Lisa and Laura up to see my sleeping boy. And finally I cried! It had been a day of emotions that I kept in check and that moment of being able to share my son with someone else was all it took for the floodgates to open.

Tomorrow the other traveling family members gotcha day!