Stuck with super glue

Stuck with super glue is a phrase commonly heard around my house.  This phrase has helped to calm anxiety, helped to lessen stress, helped to bring in to focus the here and now versus the then. It is a phrase we have spent two years working on and today it makes life much easier. Today we can drop off at school without tears, we can enter a new situation and hold hands, not be in mommy’s arms. Today he knows that mommy comes back to “get me” every time, because we are stuck with super glue. It is often the stretchy kind of super glue that lets him be in one place (school, friends house) and me be in another ( work, running errands) without him being panicked or hyper vigilant to the when or, worse in his mind, if I am coming back to get him. 

Two years ago I called my pediatrician after several weeks (okay honesty, months) of rough nights. Rough nights sometimes meant 2 hours of sleep followed by 4-5 hours of wired wide awake because he was afraid to go back to sleep, or it meant night terrors that led to him trying to physically hurt himself or me. He was two, almost three and had been with me, in my house for almost two years, the night he had a night terror so bad he left bruises across my upper arms and chest. He was fighting so hard in pure terror. It was primal fight or flight response and I knew that the sweet little boy I saw during the light of day needed help to fight the darkness of night. So my pediatrician gave me the information for a lovely lady named Donna Potter at CCFH. The day that Donna called and talked to me, I wanted to cry. Here was someone who believed that my little boy could have significant trauma pre-adoption that we needed to deal with now and she said magical words...” we can help and I think you need to see Rebecca Hubbard for CPP therapy.” I had no idea what CPP therapy was, but I was happy to go try anything that would help, that would allow him and I to sleep. 

A few weeks later we went in for our initial evaluation at CCFH. I talked to someone for a while and then we were introduced to Ms Rebecca.  Little Man did not seem to want much to do but play with the toys there that day, but a relationship with Ms Rebecca was started and healing began. We started once a week visits in 2011 just before Thanksgiving. The first time we were in her office Little Man was falling over everything, not able to control his body. He didn’t have any regulation of emotions or his body, so we set goals and started the work.  Some weeks were harder than others, but it didn’t take long to realize that while he was just a “baby” when he came home the trauma of loss had left a huge mark on his heart. 

I believed we had attached and even actually attached pretty securely, boy was I wrong. Even six months in to the therapy I could see how attachment was changing and how much deeper it could be. He started to talk about things and I realized my reality needed to change. I had adopted an infant, the books prepare you for trauma and hardships (sort of, at least they allude to there being some) when you adopt older. But very few mention how much the body remembers of trauma in a young child. Little Man held feelings of loss, abandonment, fear and the triggers were everywhere. Leaving him at school in the morning, entering a place where it was loud, lots of people and busy, telling him to wait because I was cooking dinner and he didn’t need a snack right that minute. Any of it, all of it could send him spiraling and neither of us knew why. But we were learning with Ms Rebecca and we were both getting better. I was stressing less and listening more to him, to his body language and mostly to his sleep patterns.  Sleep has been his dead give away always. When he trusts, when he is secure then he sleeps, when one or more of those is missing sleep and dark are not our friends. 

I am not sure when the phrase “stuck with super glue” came in to our therapy conversations, but it was pretty early on in the process. Little Man explained pretty early on that “I should have been in Africa earlier.” It became a daily conversation as we drove to school, it was a daily comment when I picked him up, it was a nightly routine to be “stuck” together for a while on the couch watching a show or in the rocking chair reading a book or even sometimes sitting on his bed as he went to sleep. We talked about how super glue sticks things together strong and that sometimes our super glue has to be stretchy so he can be one place and I can be another, but we will always “snap” back together. 

As therapy progressed it became less about me reminding him we had super glue, but more him commenting in moments of need about the super glue, almost as if checking to make sure I remembered that we were “stuck” together. Today we talk about there being super glue on our hands and that we can go to the mall or some place crowded and just hold hands as a reminder that we are together, that I am not going anywhere and that I will keep him safe.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still moments of hard, times that he gets triggered where fear and panic override any logic. But they are less and less, and more importantly we deal with those moments in the moment and they cause less “damage.” We recover faster. Sleep is still my “thermometer” to how calm his brain is each day. Most times it is better. Right now we are in a rough patch, but I know why and while I can’t remove the why, I can help him process it and reassure the what. Right now we remember and discuss super glue everyday and most nights. 

Little Man has control, as much as a not quite 5 year old can, of his emotions and physical movements of his body. There are things he choses not to control and we continue to work on those, But Ms Rebecca and CPP have “stuck” us together forever and he knows it, not just in words, but the body memory knows it. Through games, role plays, daily reinforcement  and weekly time with Ms Rebecca, his body memory is remembering new. 

So we celebrate how far we have come. We celebrate the work he has done. We celebrate that super glue “stretches” so we can go apart and come back together each and every time. 

2 years ago as we started therapy

Recently having fun as we look at our cotton candy tongues

Finished with therapy!

  

Blessed

  The last several days have been filled with blessings and I am taking the time to count them right now!   I have recently let myself get caught up in negative thinking and worry so tonight I focus on the positive!

Blessing # 1    Little Man finished school last week and got a wonderful end of year "report card." He has shown growth in almost every area. There are a few of his scores that just made me chuckle at, like apparently he doesn't want to help clean up at school. I asked him why..his response " mommy at home it is you and me and I help there. In class there are lots of people to help the teacher clean up." Just had to shake my head. He is growing so much!

 Blessing # 2   Now because his school ended and mine has not there were a few days I had to figure out care for him  before his camp started. A wonderful teacher that I work with offered a while ago to watch him for me if I ever need it, so I asked her if she wanted to have some Little Man time for a couple days. She happily said yes and spent two days caring for him while I was at work. They had a blast. In face the first day when I came home he was "mad" I was home and that Ms R was going home! It was kind of cute, he crossed arms and stomped upstairs telling me to go away. He went to bed that night and got up the next morning double checking she was coming back...think he developed a little crush!

Blessing # 3   Those words you didn't even know you needed to hear but once they are voiced make such an impact on you. Friday afternoon Little Man and I got to spend some time socially with some people I work with. Now one of the people who was there has seen him since he was about 18 months old, which was about 6 months after we came home! As we were sitting at the table talking, she said to me "Wow he has grown so much. It is amazing what school and everything has done for him." She continued to go on and be more specific about things that she saw as growth and even mentioned that she wanted to share a little with "her man" so he would know how amazing it was to see Little Man like he was that night. She is well aware of all that we have and are going through, but I am not sure she has any idea how much those words, her observations and comments meant to me. I think all parents like to hear that their kids are growing, but as a momma of a child from a trauma background to have someone comment on his "growth" is sometimes all the encouragement you need to keep going down the tough roads. Thank you Tonya for the comment, for noticing..for giving me, probably totally unknowingly, a light to keep holding on to when there are dark moments.

Blessing # 4  Living like family! Little Man and I got a chance to spend some good quality time with an awesome family at church yesterday and today. We spent the day/night with them yesterday and had so much fun. I am always so grateful for the time with them. On top of having us over for the day, we stayed over night and they helped cover the last day of care I needed for Little Man. On top of them helping, two other amazing women from my church came and played a part. One of them was already planning on watching their two kids today while they were at work, with a little conversation another friend and her one month old son came over to add and extra pair of hands so that Little Man could add into the mix of care. That meant that for a time period there were 2 four year olds, a one year old and a one month old! Vickie and Megan I can't thank you enough for being willing to help and add Little Man into the mix today. To the Aguilar family, thank you for opening your home to add us in yesterday and today. Upon giving a thank you "gift" I was quickly informed that is what living like family means. Yes, it is! Thanks for loving us like family and reminding me how my "family" is growing!

I am blessed! Life may have some tough moments and I may be in the midst of them in several areas right now, but if I take the time I am reminded that there are more blessings to count if I just take the time!

Water play with friends today!

The sweet taste of success

 Little Man has been seeing his therapist for the last 18 months. She is an amazing woman who has saved my sanity more than once. She has made hospital visits, answered phone calls and generally been available whenever we need her.  This week we had a session that was a sweet taste of success for all the work that he has been doing. He spent 55 minutes creating stories, laughing and playing with a sparkle in his eye that even made her comment.."wow what a great sparkle his eyes have."

His stories he created were age appropriate, 4 year old fight the bad guy, make him good bring him to our side little boy stories. There were no scary moments in the story, there were no babies being left by mommies that didn't want them, there were no people jumping out of the darkness to grab him, there were no ghosts trying to take him away. Nope none of that. There was just giggles and full out belly laughs as he played with his therapist and I.  Quite a change from a week ago when he role played a mommy who looked at her baby and said "I just don't want you go find another mommy"

Progress is so sweet. That laugh...that sparkle (which I do see in him more and more lately) make every penny I have paid and am in debt worth it. His happiness, safety and security are worth it all.

Grow and heal Little Man...embrace the world and show them your strength. You are unstoppable!

Thirty Days of Thankful- Day 30

Day 30

Today is the last official day of my posts, but I have learned so much over the last 30 days as I have posted. Most days I have had to struggle with which thankful thing to post and not struggled to think of what to post. For the last 30 days I have found myself remembering and appreciating all the small things in life that I so often just overlook.

Today I am thankful for this little boy:

Little Man alone has enriched my life immeasurably, but when you add on all the people that have come into my life because of this adoption I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I am going to attempt to give thanks to lots of people I did not specifically thank as this month passed.

Lisa & Nate, Audrey & Byron , Monica, Laura, Glynnis & Joe, Brenna & John and Jim: My travel group, these people were there with my in Ethiopia. We were all becoming parents, some of us for the first time and others were experienced. But new parent or experienced this was a group of people that I am thankful to call Little Man and I's extended family. They were my rocks, sounding boards, shopping companions, source of laughter during our time in Ethiopia. I am thankful everyday for the beauty and diversity of this group.

Jen M- My daily email/phone buddy. I am so glad that the timing of our processes worked out as they did that we would be there to support each other all along the way. I was so sad that you were sick at travel time. But am forever thankful for your support through day to day wait, court difficulties, travel anxiety, and all the new mommy trials. I am blessed that we got to meet and share a "birthday" celebration of our boys not long after coming home. Thank you for always listening and never judging!

Janet- My amazing adoption coordinator and friend. You walked me through this, holding my hand and being the calm voice on the other end of the phone. You cried with me when court was not successful and rejoiced at the day I became a mom. I am so glad we live close enough that you can be a part of this precious boy and I's lives. God certainly knew what he was doing when he led me to you. Thank you for just being you!

Sarah T- Wow girl not sure where to begin...my late night phone buddy. We had our first court date together and shared the disappointment of it not happening. I rejoiced as you passed the next go round and appreciated your support of my tears as I did not. You are the sister I have not met, yet! Thank you for trusting me when things are hard and for listening to me when things here are hard. Thank you for the laughter and the tears we have shared for over two years on the phone. A meeting has to happen..SOON.

Rosie and Jillian- The two of you have helped me keep my sanity. You provided pictures of little man for me from before he was even mine. You support me as I navigate these times, believing me about the hard and never doubting the words I say. You have trusted me to be a part of your guys families and have welcomes little man and I into your families. God has certainly blessed me by making sure the two of you were here in NC with me, a bit of a tease that you are both a couple of hours in opposite directions of me :)

The rest of the IAG group- The pictures, the updates and the support we gave each other while waiting, when we came home and even now years later. There were times that were tough and things we had questions about, but it is through this agency that you are all a part of my life and that my son is my son and so I am eternally grateful.

There are so many friends that were in my life during the process and I am thankful for their support. Many of them are still in my life, some of them are not but whether they are standing by me today or not I am thankful for the part they played in the story.

Little Man- You have taught me to trust, to believe that regardless of how hard this moment is that the joy that comes next makes it all worthwhile. You have taught me to slow and listen to the crow caw, to see the workers on the street as we drive by, to notice the puddle that is calling to be jumped in and the shiny rock that wants to be in your pocket. You have shown me that while love is not always enough it the only place to start to heal. When your little hand reaches to hold mine, the world stops. When you suck your lips in, say they are missing, and then give me a kiss so you can "find" them again, my heart explodes. When the dark is scary and you say "mom I need your bed because it is safe there", I melt. I am so thankful that I get to be your mom, that I get to kiss the hurts away, that I get to witness the healing that is taking place. Thank you little man for the gift of you and the friends you have brought into my life.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." Lao Tsu

One step, that is it, just one step, pick your foot up, move it slightly forward and place it down. It is not that hard, right? It is just a single step and that step leads to another and another and another, right? And then your journey has begun. We take steps everyday without even ever really thinking about what we are doing.

But what happens when that first step is hard. Or when that first step leads you to stumble and maybe even fall? Or when that "step" is more of a crawl. What happens when all you see in front of you is darkness? How do you take a step then? How do you begin a journey that scares you because the end is no where in sight? Or while you may have a vision of the end, the road to getting there seems impassable.

You trust in God, right? But what if the place you are in at the moment leaves you without trust? What if in the darkness you can't feel God? What if the fall from taking that first step leaves you questioning?

I have three friends who are all on their own journey at this moment. Each of them facing their own difficulties, their own struggles, their own darkness. They are taking steps. And I know that at times each of them has felt or is feeling more like they are crawling and maybe for today, they are, but it is forward progression. They are each entering their journey at different places. They each have different struggles to overcome, different paths to travel, but all have the same vision to reach for at the end...self. Their own self, whole, healed, happy.

The journey can be long and at times feel endless and maybe even feel futile. I know the road can be dark, and steep. It can feel like as soon as you get a little light to help guide you, a gust of wind comes and blows the light out again, like you are forever climbing and searching for a time that the path is flat. I am honored to be walking some of their journey with them. I am proud of their courage and their determination.

This is a journey that I know well. I have come a considerable distance in my journey. And when I look back at that first tumbling step I realize my first step was not a step at all, it was a crawl, a reaching out of my hand for anything in front of me and dragging myself forward. I crawled, walked, stumbled, fell, slid backwards searched for any hand hold. I looked for light in the darkness, I searched for anyone who could give me that light, only to finally discover I had to have the light myself before anyone could truly help me light the way. Now, most days I walk upright and proud, the path is lit. Sometimes the sun hides behind a cloud or a tree but mostly it is sunny. The view is beautiful and I am in awe of where the path has taken me.

Looking back at my journey I can see the people who walked with me. Some of them are still walking with me and I am so blessed, so amazed at the love they have for me then and now. Some friends are not walking with me anymore. Our paths have split, there are no hard feelings or anger just a parting of ways. But I also can look back and see that there are people I hurt on my journey and for that I am sorry. We have parted ways not in the best of terms and likely with some hurt feelings. I guess that is the way though, not that I am excusing it, for never would it have been my intention to hurt someone, anyone. But as my journey continued and I got a firm grasp of ME, I guess hurt happens, I can only hope and pray that those I hurt know how much I am deeply sorry for that pain and yet maybe see what an invaluable part they played in my life . Would I change the hurt, absolutely. Would I change who I have become, absolutely not. I am grateful for every person that walked on this journey with me and value the role they have been in my life.

I also look at the path and see the new friends that have joined me along the way and I can't help but smile. There are many new friends, some of whom I get to be the friend as they now walk their path. I plan on being at the other end of their journey still walking with them. I found my son on this journey and see how my healing has allowed me to be the best mom for him. But it also will allow me to walk him through that first step to his healing when it is time.

And now at this stage of the journey I am reconnecting with people I had to part with for a time. I am coming to them now as a much better me. I am hopeful for the friendship I can offer and maybe even the example I can be to them.

I am sure in reality I have more than 3 friends who are making their journey to self and I know of a few who are standing looking at the path, seeing the periods of darkness and worried to take the first step, afraid of falling or the hurts that will happen. All I can say to all of them is, know you are loved, by me and many others. That while the path may be dark at times and you may not feel my hand, it is there. When you find the light you will see me there. Waiting to continue walking with you. I believe in you, as you and others have believed in me.

Thank you to the many that walked my journey, may I use it to help others. May I be a source of strength in times that are hard. But mostly may I continue to grow and be an example. I wait for what the next step of my life brings to me and my son. He is a joy, he is a light. He is truly an inspiration to continue my journey.

May I always have this much excitement as I start the next path!