Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Standing humbly before you..

There are moments in life that strip you bare and leave you raw. Some of them are wonderful amazing moments, but lots of them are hard, tough moments. Whatever kind of moment they are, the final outcome is almost always growth.

Becoming a mother was a strip me bare and leave me raw moment that was both wonderful and hard. I think most parents would agree that parenthood does that to you whether you have a biological child, adopted child, step-child or foster child. And most certainly there has been growth out of that moment when I became a parent.

I live for those moments that are wonderful and amazing and I believe that I revel in those. People at work are probably sick of the pictures I share or the funny "Little Man-isms", but those moments, those funny statements, those happy pictures bring such peace to my soul. Those moments bring hope..bring the future to me now.

At some point when you are parenting a child from a "hard place", you lose the realization that you are facing those strip you bare hard moments until the one that knocks you flat to the ground, down to your knees. I don't share much about all the medical stuff Little Man is going through because it is his privacy and because there are lots of people who don't/won't understand all that he goes through.  I am choosing to share a little more today because I am on my knees, picking myself and him up.

Little man was diagnosed over a year ago with PTSD and has been seeing a therapist. She is awesome and he is doing amazing. She and I often sit back in amazement, looking at each other with questions in our eyes about how 'old" he really is, not on paper, but in his soul. He "remembers" things and shares things that break me...shatter me...and rebuild me all in about an hours time. "He was so little,"  "He was just a baby"...I have said those things, fought those thoughts and realized that my knowledge of what the body/brain holds on to..."remembers".... is limited to my world.

His world before me was not my world it was hard in ways I can not imagine, nor do I really want to, but I listen to him...I learn from him...from my 4 year old. He teaches me to reach further, to try hard, to laugh and smile at the moments that make you happy.

His medical struggles continue from there...they involve seeing specialist in both GI and Neurology. But for his privacy I chose not to divulge it all on my blog.

Why am I sharing any of it, you may ask?  Because the recent loss of our dog has triggered things in Little Man that set us back a few paces. That brought both of us to our knees slightly bloody as we fight to get back up. I will fight along side him, because he truly is the greatest inspiration to me. He can be fighting a demon I can not see, cuddle up to find comfort in me..sleep for a few and then awaken and find the beauty in the world, things to laugh at, flowers to pick and reasons to say I love you.

But this fight is costing money and lots of it. I am a single mom, who is a teacher. I love my child and I love my students. Economic times are hard and salaries are frozen while medical costs increase. I have reached a point of not having enough. But I won't stop his care, it is too important. So here I stand humbly before my friends and family asking you to join my fight for this precious boy. Prayers are always welcome. Phone calls and visits are a blessing. But in being real and honest finances are where the help is most crucial. I have set up a place for people to donate if they can. Any amount helps. If you can donate we are thankful, if you can't but will pray or call or visit we are just as grateful. If you would share the link and ask for help on our behave, I will have to pick myself back up from a stripped bare raw moment of gratitude.

I set the account up last week and was blessed rapidly with $500 in donations, it is a start on the mountain of debt I have accumulated. But I have to keep asking for it will not magically fund itself.

Thank you to all who have supported us along the way. To those at work who hug me, reassure me and listen to my stories you are a greater blessing than I can ever repay. To all who have walked this journey with us knowing or not knowing the details of the  struggles, your presence in our lives is a blessing.  While I am working my way to standing up and cleaning up. While I am holding Little Man high up so he can reach victory I am remind that God is walking with me, for he has placed you all in my life.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

When new loss triggers old loss

This post is long overdue, but things have been a little crazy. So it is catch up night on the blog.

About  4 weeks ago, our doggie suddenly passed away. Cassi had been with me for 9 years and had been Little Man's best buddy from the beginning.  Cassi was patient, kind and generally wonderful as Isaiah crawled all over, including on her! He would use her to pull up on and try and walk and she would just sit there patiently letting it happen. He would "exchange" toys with her, because in a babies mind the one the dog is chewing on must be more interesting than my toy :) And she would even help him clean his plate at every meal!

I knew it would be hard when she passed, but I really thought I had a few more years with her. Little Man handled it for the most part amazingly well. He commented that "Jesus took his dog", not in anyway angry about it just kind of matter of fact. While he still occasionally asks for her or where she is mostly he has moved on..during the daytime hours.

What I forgot to anticipate in the midst of my own grief, was what loss was going to trigger for him.  It has been 4 weeks and we are mostly back to a normal routine. For the first few nights he was a "popcorn" child....up and down, up and down checking, rechecking and verifying that I was still here, that I had not disappeared. He would only fall asleep if he was touching me, could see me, feel me. His world of safety had been disrupted. Everything he had grown to believe would be there, the things he had trusted would be steady were not anymore. He is too young really to understand death and that life will end. And while he can not verbalize it completely, while he can not truly comprehend it all at 4, his body remembers loss...his brain stored the emotions..the fear..the hurt. And so we take a few steps back in order to move forward. We pause..regroup as a family and re-establish safety. We talk..oh how great it is now to be able to talk to him and have him talk. I love the growth we have experienced and while those weeks were hard I love seeing where we came to on the other side!

We love you Cassi girl and we miss you tons. Waiting to see you again at the rainbow bridge!