2 years ago..

This post is actually long overdue, but life has been crazy so I am just getting to it.

On March 2, 2009 I opened my email after a long conversation with my amazing adoption coordinator to this face:

and my heart melted.

(Now I must be honest and say there was another little face in that email as well and I struggled with the was I suppose to adopt two and not just one. Common sense, some friendly conversations and a long heart to heart with God told me that one was enough...for now.)

I was in love. I was in shock. You see in January when I first signed on with IAG to adopt I was sent a waiting child's list, just to get an idea of what it looked like and so on. And this face, caught my attention:

At that time I figured he would never still be waiting when it came time for me to be ready. (Okay that was after I thought in my head, that he had a grumpy old man look!) But he was still waiting and I sit today knowing that he was waiting for me.

Four days later I sat at lunch with my awesome friend Shevaun and did this:

signed the paperwork officially accepting the referral for him.

It is hard to believe it has been 2 years since I laid eyes on him as my child in waiting for me. Those eyes still melt my heart and he does still occasionally get that furrowed, grumpy brow look, but he is mine and I am his.

Here he is two years later dancing, happy and sharing an afternoon with a family that met him when he was in Ethiopia, waiting on me to find him that January 2009!

I Love you little man and am so proud to be your mom. You have blessed my life.

A moment to treasure

Taking his dog for a walk! Such a big boy!

Eye Contact!

One of the things you read over and over again when adopting is about how important it is to establish eye contact with your adopted child to help with bonding. Play games that involve making eye contact, for babies feed them a bottle and make eye contact, all sorts of things revolving around making good eye contact. I was very deliberate about that with Isaiah when I brought him home and now as a 2 year old I ask for it all the time when correcting behavior, or giving choices, generally anything I really want him to pay attention to when I am speaking.

Well tonight he got me back :) We had dinner with a friend. As we were preparing to leave I was holding him on my right side and talking to my friend to my left. Little Man was a bit whiny after a long day and started to call me "momma momma momma." I was finishing a sentence with my friend when I realized he had leaned over and was in my face calling me "momma momma momma." Leaned as far over as he could get to look me in the eyes. My friend started to laugh..I was fighting hard not to, but Little Man once he had my eye contact he finished that sentence he had started with 6 or 7 mommas! He was making sure he had eye contact to have my attention before finishing his thought.

He cracks me up. Guess he has learned the value of having someones eye contact and knowing it means you have their attention! And if I had any doubt I think we a pretty securely bonded!

I love that little boy!

Date night!

On Sunday night Little Man and I got dressed up and headed out for a date night. We went to see Madagascar Live! It was fun. Little Man sat almost perfectly still for the whole play until the end when kids were invited to dance. Little Man thought that meant he could go and stage. So up he got and danced his way down the aisle heading for the stage. I stopped him and he looked at me and said "come on follow me...grab me hand" and head off again. He was determined. Luckily I am still bigger and was more determined to not let him on stage!

He steals my heart everyday!

Sometimes the world is light and bright.

And sometimes it is dark.

Out of nowhere a gust of wind blows the lights out.

Darkness surrounds me.

I can search to find light again

Or I can pause and listen to the darkness.

I will light one candle and listen to what the stillness offers.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." Lao Tsu

One step, that is it, just one step, pick your foot up, move it slightly forward and place it down. It is not that hard, right? It is just a single step and that step leads to another and another and another, right? And then your journey has begun. We take steps everyday without even ever really thinking about what we are doing.

But what happens when that first step is hard. Or when that first step leads you to stumble and maybe even fall? Or when that "step" is more of a crawl. What happens when all you see in front of you is darkness? How do you take a step then? How do you begin a journey that scares you because the end is no where in sight? Or while you may have a vision of the end, the road to getting there seems impassable.

You trust in God, right? But what if the place you are in at the moment leaves you without trust? What if in the darkness you can't feel God? What if the fall from taking that first step leaves you questioning?

I have three friends who are all on their own journey at this moment. Each of them facing their own difficulties, their own struggles, their own darkness. They are taking steps. And I know that at times each of them has felt or is feeling more like they are crawling and maybe for today, they are, but it is forward progression. They are each entering their journey at different places. They each have different struggles to overcome, different paths to travel, but all have the same vision to reach for at the end...self. Their own self, whole, healed, happy.

The journey can be long and at times feel endless and maybe even feel futile. I know the road can be dark, and steep. It can feel like as soon as you get a little light to help guide you, a gust of wind comes and blows the light out again, like you are forever climbing and searching for a time that the path is flat. I am honored to be walking some of their journey with them. I am proud of their courage and their determination.

This is a journey that I know well. I have come a considerable distance in my journey. And when I look back at that first tumbling step I realize my first step was not a step at all, it was a crawl, a reaching out of my hand for anything in front of me and dragging myself forward. I crawled, walked, stumbled, fell, slid backwards searched for any hand hold. I looked for light in the darkness, I searched for anyone who could give me that light, only to finally discover I had to have the light myself before anyone could truly help me light the way. Now, most days I walk upright and proud, the path is lit. Sometimes the sun hides behind a cloud or a tree but mostly it is sunny. The view is beautiful and I am in awe of where the path has taken me.

Looking back at my journey I can see the people who walked with me. Some of them are still walking with me and I am so blessed, so amazed at the love they have for me then and now. Some friends are not walking with me anymore. Our paths have split, there are no hard feelings or anger just a parting of ways. But I also can look back and see that there are people I hurt on my journey and for that I am sorry. We have parted ways not in the best of terms and likely with some hurt feelings. I guess that is the way though, not that I am excusing it, for never would it have been my intention to hurt someone, anyone. But as my journey continued and I got a firm grasp of ME, I guess hurt happens, I can only hope and pray that those I hurt know how much I am deeply sorry for that pain and yet maybe see what an invaluable part they played in my life . Would I change the hurt, absolutely. Would I change who I have become, absolutely not. I am grateful for every person that walked on this journey with me and value the role they have been in my life.

I also look at the path and see the new friends that have joined me along the way and I can't help but smile. There are many new friends, some of whom I get to be the friend as they now walk their path. I plan on being at the other end of their journey still walking with them. I found my son on this journey and see how my healing has allowed me to be the best mom for him. But it also will allow me to walk him through that first step to his healing when it is time.

And now at this stage of the journey I am reconnecting with people I had to part with for a time. I am coming to them now as a much better me. I am hopeful for the friendship I can offer and maybe even the example I can be to them.

I am sure in reality I have more than 3 friends who are making their journey to self and I know of a few who are standing looking at the path, seeing the periods of darkness and worried to take the first step, afraid of falling or the hurts that will happen. All I can say to all of them is, know you are loved, by me and many others. That while the path may be dark at times and you may not feel my hand, it is there. When you find the light you will see me there. Waiting to continue walking with you. I believe in you, as you and others have believed in me.

Thank you to the many that walked my journey, may I use it to help others. May I be a source of strength in times that are hard. But mostly may I continue to grow and be an example. I wait for what the next step of my life brings to me and my son. He is a joy, he is a light. He is truly an inspiration to continue my journey.

May I always have this much excitement as I start the next path!

A day of sunshine!!

Today was beautiful. It was in the high 70s and sunny out. Little Man and I took full advantage and headed outdoors as soon as he was up from his nap.

I love the outdoors and so far I am raising him to appreciate it as well. We went to a local nature park and went walking on a trail. This was Little Man's first time walking the trail on his own. Before now he has "ridden" for trail walks. Overall he did good, but my "water boy" saw the lake and headed straight for it...a number of times. I did have to carry him at one point just to make sure that he stayed dry! But he began to learn what staying on the path meant and had a great time stopping to explore all of the nature around him. At one point I was carrying him as he held a stick, a rock, a pinecone and 2 gumballs (the one's from a tree) in his hands. Not sure how the gumballs and the pinecone weren't sticking him, but he was happy!

Tomorrow we are going to take some of the treasures he found and make a guessing game out of them. We are taking tube socks and sticking a can down in the sock and then putting one item in each sock. Little Man can then reach down and feel the item in the can and guess. Should just be fun and based on all the different textures he picked up maybe helpful for sensory stuff. We shall see. I am just feeling incredibly blessed to have had such a beautiful day to spend with him.