Topsy Turvy

I am still in the process of processing what all this means, but last week things went a little topsy turvy in my world. New information is coming in daily and it is too much and too hard to even comprehend it all at once.
Yes, this is the agency I used to adopt Little Man. Let me answer a few questions first before we even get started.
Could he be sent back?
    He is my son and there is no process for undoing an international adoption even when fraud is involved.
Is his paperwork fraudulent?
   That I don't know yet and I am working on figuring it out. He deserves to know the truth when he gets old enough to understand it.
 Did I know this about the agency when I started the process?
    Absolutely not! I researched and had heard good things about them. There were things that were brought to my attention a few months after coming home. But what I knew was one piece of a large iceberg. Even the families involved in this initial indictment are reeling from all we are discovering now. As we read and learn more we are ALL shocked, angered and sad and so many other emotions by what we learn.        

There are many other questions that people and myself have that I can't put to words yet. Give me time to process this and I will write as I go. Please know this is a tough and vulnerable time for me and many parents who adopted with this agency. There is much pain and much anger for so many at this point.

Let me reassure one more thing…right now he has no idea any of this is going on. He is too young and it is too early. We are doing daily life like normal…today we will go swimming and playing with friends. I will post later about some processing I am doing.

But for now here is the article that sent my world upside down last week.

IAG Indictment

Giving thanks Day 18

On this day 4 years ago I sent out this text message " I am his and he is mine and we are family."  So today as I sit here looking at the mess in my house, and the piles of laundry I need to do I am very thankful to be his mom!

 Little Man has brought so many blessings into my life! Today I give thanks that I get to be his mom! There will be a longer post later, but for now I wanted to get this up!



4 years from Jennifer Kramer on Vimeo.

Stuck together with super glue- remembering the past and rejoicing in the now

             The last few days have been a bit hard with Little Man. Between being tired plus a change of schedule and current boundary testing, he has been  off. Trying not to add too much thought into it, this has historically been a hard time of year for him as well. (Yes, I know he is only 4,  how much history is there, but there is history) So I have taken tonight after I got him to sleep to sit and look back at where we were and where we are now.

He is also angry about something right now and he is spending time yelling at me, but he trusts enough to yell and know I am not leaving. He is doing all those things he should have done to test boundaries at 2 & 3 but didn't really do because he was dealing with too many other things. He is challenging me and I am tired, but when I look back, I am no where as tired as I was 2 years ago.

Two years ago at this time Little Man was having nightmares (night terrors) so bad I was  lucky to be getting 2-4 hours of sleep a night. The terror would wake him at between 12 and 1am and he would be wired, terrified of sleep coming, so he would force himself awake for hours on end. Generally falling back to sleep around 4am. The day would start for me around 5:30 and him around 6:30. I am not sure how we made it through those days, but we did and we managed to laugh and love and grow closer in our relationship. The night terrors went on for a long time; with periods of calm followed by periods of chaos.
     I just pushed through until it all got too hard and I finally reached out for help. I called our pediatrician explained the night terrors, his reactions and where we were at. She said it was time to get help. I am thankful everyday for that phone call.
   I had a phone conversation with an amazing woman Mrs P., who gave me hope and more importantly let me know I was not losing my mind. Shortly after that phone conversation we met Ms R.  and started therapy. We started to work on the things that were causing the night terrors.  I learned things about a young mind that floored me, humbled me and inspired me. Therapy has given us nights filled with sleep, days filled with more love and laughter. It has created an attachment between little man and I that never thought we would truly achieve. It has allowed him to rest, to grow, to feel safe and secure. When we started the therapy Little Man was affectionately known as "the floating head" He knew lots of things in his brain, but refused to actually feel the rest of his body. Today he mostly allows himself to take it all in. We still have work to do and we will continue, but we have come so far.

About the time we started to get help with the terrors, we started having the issues with his GI tract. Eating became a challenge again. I overlooked it, blamed it on the sleeping being weird, it being developmentally appropriate anything, but thinking something was wrong. It got worse until we landed in the hospital twice in 2 months and again for a barrage of testing  two months later. T

The GI tract is still an issue, his response to physical pain- still a challenge, getting caught up emotionally to his chronological age - still a process. But he is secure and he is doing things a 4 year old boy should be doing and I rejoice in that. We have worked hard at weekly therapy for 20 months, we have started medications to help calm his brain so he can process that this, our family, is permanent. We still are seeing doctors to work on neurological and physical issues, but we are working the process together, with a better understanding of what is going on and how to handle it.

Tonight I am drained, in every sense of that word; mental, emotional, physical, financial all of it. We got not so great news at GI today and so we face the next challenge. But at the same time we got news that the MRI looks good. Therapy is going so well that we are cutting back, scaling down the support. Mrs P. and Ms R. believe that I can handle it, that he is doing awesome and we together are good. I am nervous but excited. They have been my support and understanding in ways that are sometime hard for the outsider/casual observer to get.

But tonight I am also thankful that when he laughs and smiles with me, that  his big brown eyes can light the room. The joy goes all the way through him. That tonight he could tell me "God is in my heart and all around me and He loves me."

There will always be growth, as there is with any parent/child relationship. But tonight in this moment Little Man knows the super glue has dried and we are stuck together forever. It will stretch to let us go apart but it will always bring us back together.

Interesting information: How one as little as Little Man can have to fight the past.

   Most people who meet Little Man or who look at pictures of him comment on how happy he is and then usually comment on his eyes or his smile. All of which I love and agree with! He is a happy kid, most of the time.

 As I have traveled the road of being a mom of a child from trauma I have found that I encounter people who respond usually in one of three ways to the journey we are on: 1) Acceptance and/or even knowledge of the road we travel and what it, at least, generally looks like. 2)  A want to know what  or how something like this can remain in a child who was so young's mind. And a belief that the road Little Man is walking is real and hard 3) Complete disbelief that a child who came to me at a year old can have memories and trauma "when he was just a baby."

From the beginning none of these responses have shocked me.  The people in group one have become my safety, those that I call on in the dark moments; they cheer me on, lift me up and try to help me understand what is going on and how to help. The people in group two have become my cheerleaders and support system as well. They listen, ask and are willing to accept and help when, where and how they can. Some in group 3 move quickly into group 2 or even 1 and some in group 3 move quickly out of my life. I have lost friends over this journey which makes me sad. Please know that I am by NO means an expert at what is happening in my child's brain that causes these triggers and response. I am learning every day with him and how to help him. But I know that look of fear in his eyes, the sound of his breathing, the stiffness of his body and the beat of his heart when he no longer feels the safety of his present and is in the grasp of his past.

The other day a friend of mine from that first group of people, who happens to be walking the road and has intimate knowledge of what it is like sent me this link:  Trauma Doesn't Tell Time

This article does a great job of explaining what is happening and why.

This paragraph at the beginning of the article explains a bunch of the questions people ask me in ways I have never been able to explain it.
Traumatic experiences, even the earliest and preverbal traumatic experiences, remain stored in our children’s brains. The normal information processing system that stores memories in the appropriate places in our brain is thwarted by the cascade of hormones and neurochemicals that are released during a traumatic or frightening experience. The memory- along with the images, feelings, and body sensations, remain literally frozen in their nervous system.

Please go read the article: I learned a lot about what Little Man is going through and even some things to help him. If you are in our lives and want to know more this is a great place to start and then talk to me, ask me questions let me share a little about it with you.  For those of you who already talk, ask and listen, this article just puts it in words that I have never been able to.

Thank you to all the groups of people I encounter, yes even the group 3's because they challenge me to make sure I understand and can explain it. For those who are my support system: I am not sure I say it often enough you guys are my rock when I am not sure how to stand. Thank you so much for all of  the love, kind words, time, hugs and so much else you give to us!

Bedtime conversations

One of my favorite times is putting Little Man to bed, (not because it means quiet time is coming for me) but because I love the routine of that time. We do all the typical bedtime things and then climb in bed and read 2-3 books. Little Man generally curls up, head on my shoulder and "reads" with me. We finish reading and he begs for another one, no matter how many we have read. Then it is hugs and kisses time; butterfly, eskimo and regular kisses and the now "hippo kisses", invented by a cute little boy who was looking for one more way to stay awake and another reason to laugh. I go to leave the room, he asks me to "sleep with me mommy." I say I have things I need to go get done and he very sweetly with 2 fingers in the air says "2 minutes mommy, just 2 minutes " Generally at that point I relent and lay down for "2 minutes" He cuddles in and I enjoy the sweet snuggles of my little man. Now sometimes it truly is only 2 minutes and I leave him, sometimes I stay until he is asleep and sometimes I stay until I wake back up again :) lol

But tonight the conversation turned a little more serious and a lot more sad. I had left and he came down to tell me he was scared. I took him back up and we talked about what he was scared of and why he felt he need the "big" light on in order to sleep. It started out as simple scared of the dark and then he kept talking about his being scared. Scared of the spooky things he said and then his eyes gave him away.  The sad overpowered the "scared" So I asked "Little Man what are you sad about?" The conversation then proceeded like this:

LM: Mommy how strong is our super glue? ( a phrase we have used to tell him that we are "stuck" with each other)

Me: Super strong buddy

LM: What kind of super glue is it?

Me: A special kind that allows us to go different places like school/work and yet always come back together.

LM: When does it break?

Me: It doesn't

LM: You mean we are together forever and ever and ever and ever

Me: Yeah buddy we are together forever

LM: I thought it went here is your son...here is your daughter...here is your son...here is your daughter..I thought it went like that

Me: What do you mean?

LM: I thought that soon they give you daughter and I go away. That we not stuck together forever. When you came I was scared of you and didn't want to go with you..I was so little like Charlie the Caterpillar when you came to bring me to this place, but now you help me grow and I would be scared to leave. 

Me: It is okay that you were scared of me. You were little and I was new.

LM: Were you scared of me?

Me: Nope, I knew I loved you, that you were in my heart and that I would take all the time you needed to not be scared of me.

LM: That is good and now we stuck with super glue. 

Me: You still scared or think you can sleep?

LM: I go with you to turn on big light and I go to sleep, not scare the spooky will bring you a daughter and take me away. 

Me: Okay...I love you Little Man.

3.5 years home and man oh man I wonder what goes on in that little man's head. I wonder what great things he will do. 

Sometimes "super glue" keeps us close during nap time.

Emotions

As I look at you sleeping in my lap, the smile tips the corners of my mouth,at the same time as the tears sting the corners of my eyes. 

I watched you fight a battle I have not seen in a while as you faded not so gently off to sleep tonight. While you have needed to know I was nearby lately, it has been a while since I have seen the pure panic in your eyes as you fight with all your being to not sleep. 

Wiggle the legs.....fiddle with the fingers......shift position...... now shift again.....whatever it takes.... don’t go to sleep, just keep checking. 

At last you curled on to me and asked “am I safe?” And the past came forward once again and the whispered mantra of many nights slipped from my lips. “You are safe, mommy is here. You are safe, I will not leave you.” Slowly, softly until the panic subsides, your head nods in agreement and eventually your body accepts and drifts off to sleep. 

And so the smile plays with the corners of my mouth as I look at you my beautiful son, sleeping with your head in my lap. Knowing that I am mommy and that those words, that reassurance relaxes and comforts you to sleep. I smile, my heart fills.

And yet...

The tears threaten to come as I look at the scar on your forehead from a nightmare that got you, before I could get to you. As I watch, even in sleep the tense movements of your body. I sit waiting for you to relax, for true comfort and rest to win. The tears silently slide as I wonder how to heal a hurt I can not truly comprehend. 

And yet for some reason this mix of emotions in both of us seems almost appropriate this night..the eve of Mother’s Day weekend.

Standing humbly before you..

There are moments in life that strip you bare and leave you raw. Some of them are wonderful amazing moments, but lots of them are hard, tough moments. Whatever kind of moment they are, the final outcome is almost always growth.

Becoming a mother was a strip me bare and leave me raw moment that was both wonderful and hard. I think most parents would agree that parenthood does that to you whether you have a biological child, adopted child, step-child or foster child. And most certainly there has been growth out of that moment when I became a parent.

I live for those moments that are wonderful and amazing and I believe that I revel in those. People at work are probably sick of the pictures I share or the funny "Little Man-isms", but those moments, those funny statements, those happy pictures bring such peace to my soul. Those moments bring hope..bring the future to me now.

At some point when you are parenting a child from a "hard place", you lose the realization that you are facing those strip you bare hard moments until the one that knocks you flat to the ground, down to your knees. I don't share much about all the medical stuff Little Man is going through because it is his privacy and because there are lots of people who don't/won't understand all that he goes through.  I am choosing to share a little more today because I am on my knees, picking myself and him up.

Little man was diagnosed over a year ago with PTSD and has been seeing a therapist. She is awesome and he is doing amazing. She and I often sit back in amazement, looking at each other with questions in our eyes about how 'old" he really is, not on paper, but in his soul. He "remembers" things and shares things that break me...shatter me...and rebuild me all in about an hours time. "He was so little,"  "He was just a baby"...I have said those things, fought those thoughts and realized that my knowledge of what the body/brain holds on to..."remembers".... is limited to my world.

His world before me was not my world it was hard in ways I can not imagine, nor do I really want to, but I listen to him...I learn from him...from my 4 year old. He teaches me to reach further, to try hard, to laugh and smile at the moments that make you happy.

His medical struggles continue from there...they involve seeing specialist in both GI and Neurology. But for his privacy I chose not to divulge it all on my blog.

Why am I sharing any of it, you may ask?  Because the recent loss of our dog has triggered things in Little Man that set us back a few paces. That brought both of us to our knees slightly bloody as we fight to get back up. I will fight along side him, because he truly is the greatest inspiration to me. He can be fighting a demon I can not see, cuddle up to find comfort in me..sleep for a few and then awaken and find the beauty in the world, things to laugh at, flowers to pick and reasons to say I love you.

But this fight is costing money and lots of it. I am a single mom, who is a teacher. I love my child and I love my students. Economic times are hard and salaries are frozen while medical costs increase. I have reached a point of not having enough. But I won't stop his care, it is too important. So here I stand humbly before my friends and family asking you to join my fight for this precious boy. Prayers are always welcome. Phone calls and visits are a blessing. But in being real and honest finances are where the help is most crucial. I have set up a place for people to donate if they can. Any amount helps. If you can donate we are thankful, if you can't but will pray or call or visit we are just as grateful. If you would share the link and ask for help on our behave, I will have to pick myself back up from a stripped bare raw moment of gratitude.

I set the account up last week and was blessed rapidly with $500 in donations, it is a start on the mountain of debt I have accumulated. But I have to keep asking for it will not magically fund itself.

Thank you to all who have supported us along the way. To those at work who hug me, reassure me and listen to my stories you are a greater blessing than I can ever repay. To all who have walked this journey with us knowing or not knowing the details of the  struggles, your presence in our lives is a blessing.  While I am working my way to standing up and cleaning up. While I am holding Little Man high up so he can reach victory I am remind that God is walking with me, for he has placed you all in my life.

http://www.gofundme.com/2k7248

When new loss triggers old loss

This post is long overdue, but things have been a little crazy. So it is catch up night on the blog.

About  4 weeks ago, our doggie suddenly passed away. Cassi had been with me for 9 years and had been Little Man's best buddy from the beginning.  Cassi was patient, kind and generally wonderful as Isaiah crawled all over, including on her! He would use her to pull up on and try and walk and she would just sit there patiently letting it happen. He would "exchange" toys with her, because in a babies mind the one the dog is chewing on must be more interesting than my toy :) And she would even help him clean his plate at every meal!

I knew it would be hard when she passed, but I really thought I had a few more years with her. Little Man handled it for the most part amazingly well. He commented that "Jesus took his dog", not in anyway angry about it just kind of matter of fact. While he still occasionally asks for her or where she is mostly he has moved on..during the daytime hours.

What I forgot to anticipate in the midst of my own grief, was what loss was going to trigger for him.  It has been 4 weeks and we are mostly back to a normal routine. For the first few nights he was a "popcorn" child....up and down, up and down checking, rechecking and verifying that I was still here, that I had not disappeared. He would only fall asleep if he was touching me, could see me, feel me. His world of safety had been disrupted. Everything he had grown to believe would be there, the things he had trusted would be steady were not anymore. He is too young really to understand death and that life will end. And while he can not verbalize it completely, while he can not truly comprehend it all at 4, his body remembers loss...his brain stored the emotions..the fear..the hurt. And so we take a few steps back in order to move forward. We pause..regroup as a family and re-establish safety. We talk..oh how great it is now to be able to talk to him and have him talk. I love the growth we have experienced and while those weeks were hard I love seeing where we came to on the other side!

We love you Cassi girl and we miss you tons. Waiting to see you again at the rainbow bridge!

When grief looks like...well grief

      He sits in my lap, eyes sad, holding tightly to my finger and asks to see it again. A moment of hesitation, I momentarily question myself and then tell him of course. I hit play again, he has seen the video a number of times, he has danced to the music, commented at the pictures but today it seems to evoke a different emotion. Part way through the video he shifts to my other leg, wraps his arms around my arm, his eyes are watery he is quiet, head resting on my chest. I start to talk to him, talk him through the events. He asks to see other videos, starts to flip through my computer, so I play the one year home video. We make it through the video, he is crying, silent tears running down his face and then he looks at me and starts to seek reassurance.

Grief strikes in a new way this time. He is growing, learning, developing. He is processing on a different level than before and this time he feels sadness, loss and fear that the pattern will repeat. He cries for ten minutes or so, seeking arms of comfort and verbal reassurance that I am here, for always, he seeks hugs and words of reassurance from the friends in the room that they are here for him.

For the first time I think he understands the feelings of loss. For the first time he questions where people are, if he will see them again. He wakes then next morning and says he missed someone when they were gone....and asks will they go away again. My heart breaks a little. It is so easy as an adult to understand that physical distance between people means time between visits can be long (i.e. my friends in CA, my parents and various friends scattered around the US), but time and distance are abstract concepts to little minds. It is also a fact of life that people come and go from our lives...easy (or at least easier) as an adult to see that, but how do you explain that to a child.

I sit tonight four nights later still processing what happened that night. Still processing how to help him understand the loss he has experienced. That I can not protect him from the pains of people leaving our lives in future, but that I will always be here for him as he grieves those losses. And most importantly I am very aware of the loss he has already experienced and that I honor and respect whatever feelings that brings. That I know our family, the us, comes only because he, as a tiny baby had to experience the greatest loss.

I will hold him. love him, reassure him as he continues to grow and develop. I will take the anger and the sad of grief.  I will hold my child as he walks through all of that, and I will hold the hand of the young man as he walks through it again later. When my adoption was approved the text/email I sent out was "he is mine and I am his and we are a family" Today that rings more true than it did almost 3 years ago. We are a family and we will work through all that comes and has already come our way.

Growth it is beautiful....painful.....amazing to watch and experience.

Little Man I promise to always hold you up whether we are giggling or crying!

When grief strikes...

  I know his cries and whines...or so I thought.

We have been home for almost 3 years. He was a baby when they placed him in my arms, barely 18 lbs, just having celebrated his 1st birthday.  I learned the cry for tired, for hungry, for wet.  I learned his cry for just wanting attention (think tantrum) and his cry for hurt. And I thought I had learned his cry for sadness.

That is until the last couple of days. A new cry has appeared, a cry that pierces my heart, it starts almost as a scream and then shakes his whole body. Tears stream down his face and when he finally consents to being in my arms his body is rigid. Once I am holding him the crying calms slowly and then he lays still against my shoulder, no sound,  just slowly relaxing  for 5 or more minutes. During this time he will not make eye contact, in fact he won't even lift his head off my shoulder. Eventually he shifts to sitting sideways against me, resting his head against my chest so he can hear my heartbeat.

I can only describe this as grief. Why now and where it comes from I do not know. But I do know that despite what "people" want to say adopting a baby does not mean that the transition will be easy. It does not mean they don't remember, his body remembers. His body grieves the loss of something. And at this age when independence and control are battling in his life this grief strikes hard and fast.

Lately he has been talking about babies a lot. He has been asking to be a big brother, for me to have a baby in my tummy. I don't know where that comes from either. I wonder if the two are connected. I will never know.

For now all I can do is hold him, let him cry it out and reassure him that he is home forever.

Sensory processing, PTSD and 4 days in a hospital

I have started this post at least  a half dozen times since we came home on Friday and have not quite figured out the right words or directions to take the post. I am still processing the what has happened and the aftermath of spending four days in the hospital with a child that has sensory processing difficulties and PTSD.

We were admitted to the hospital on Tuesday for a blockage in his GI tract, nothing scary, but certainly had gotten to the serious enough point where they hospitalized us. I knew when we walked in that it would be a couple of days stay. Little man and I had talked about going to the hospital, why we were having to go and to the best of my knowledge what they were going to have to do. I was trying to prepare him the best I possibly could. What I have discovered was I needed as much preparation as he did!

The staff at the hospital was amazing. I could not have asked for better nurses, nurse practitioners and the various other staff that stopped by to check on us. They listened when I talked about his needs and respected it. When it came time to get him ready for an IV, the nurse sat on the floor, had him help her put the numbing cream on his arm and then discussed what she was doing. She brought in a sample NG tube and helped him "place the NG tube" in his stuffed animal. They told him whenever they were going to do something and talked him through each process. I was amazed and thrilled.  Unfortunately at 3 while the talking helped him through at that instant it does not hold off the trauma of it all and the feeling of not having control of the situation.

Now for the more emotional side of my writing this post-
    Just about a year ago little man began having horrible nightmares. It took me several months to reach out for help and not long after that for a doctor to say looks like PTSD, go see this person..who we have now been seeing weekly for 8 months for PTSD. We have come a long ways, in helping little man talk about his "big feelings" and recognizing when his body is having "big feelings" And I think I undid a lot of that this past week.

Since we have gotten home these are a few behaviors and emotions I have seen- anger, throwing toys, stripping his bed to nothing, throwing his toys away in the trash can (favorite toys nonetheless) and panic about food again. The last one I think is the one that hits me, because I totally forgot to anticipate that. I took a child who came to me at just over 12 months hoarding food and spent 4 days telling him he couldn't have the food he was asking for, that all he could have was jello, juice, chicken broth and popsicles. What did I expect? I just didn't think about it and there was nothing I could do to change what they were giving him. but I maybe could have changed the way I answered him, the discussion that went with the  "no".


We have been home a week now....and I still have not finished this post..tonight I am going to finish.

In the week we have been home I have watched him struggle and begin to regain his comfort with food. I have watched him loose all his connection to what his body is telling him whether that be the need to go to the bathroom or eat or sleep. I have seen him seek the structured of his organized day at school and evening routine and then panic when I went to leave him at school. I have watched him fight the demons at night. His fitful sleep has returned and his fear of going to sleep is at a high.

We are tired, we are emotional, we are drained...we are clinging to each other to make it through. And yet, I am brought to my knees in gratitude that through all the troubles we are having and as angry at me as he is, he seeks me in his fear, he calls for me even in his sleep. Something bad and traumatic happened last week and I was there to witness all of it, I sat by his side, with him through all the scary moments, lack of control moments and he came out of understandably angry, but knowing mommy doesn't leave. He came out of it witnessing my unconditional love and the love and support of so many people who came to the hospital to check on him.

We can and will work through all the rest of it, because he knows that we are a family. We will work through tired, angry, emotionally confused and drained because we are a family and nothing is going to make me leave his side.  For tonight we sleep, as best we can and face tomorrow together. Tomorrow we work on healing, we work on connecting to our body again and what it is telling us. Tomorrow we work on laughter instead of anger.

Christmas and 2 years home!

I am yet again late in this post...it is New Years Eve and I am finally posting about Christmas and 2 years home!

This year Little Man got what Christmas was all about. The first year we were together we were flying home on Christmas Day and last year he was still pretty overwhelmed by it all. This year, he woke up excited about seeing his gifts. It was so much fun...we opened a couple of gifts and then played for several hours before opening some more gifts. It took us most of the day to get through all the present opening and while that may make it sound like there was lots of gifts there were not, we just spent lots of time enjoying the gifts and time together.

He got a camera and is loving taking pictures of the world around him, now if I can get him to stand still to take the picture instead of running so they are not blurry! He will get it I am sure! In the meantime it is just fun to watch him be so excited about the camera!

Well now on to some pictures from our 2 year familyversay day!

Family-versary

I am a bit late posting this..I can make lots of excuse about time of year and being busy, but simply I have been working on what I want to say.

Two years ago this little bundle was placed in my arms...

And now we looks like this:

What a difference two years can bring...for him and for me. He brings me great joy and happiness.

He is 3!

Today little man turned 3 and I am not sure where the time has gone. I have loved watching him go from baby to little boy this year. His face has changed, he is getting taller, more independent and overall losing the baby look, but he still has that precious little voice! He lights up my world every day. It has been a tough few months for us, but he fills my heart multiple times a day. He is amazing and I am humbled and blessed to be his mom. Last year I wrote this post and today I still think of the woman who gave him life, so I could help him live it!

Thirty Days of Thankful- Day 30

Day 30

Today is the last official day of my posts, but I have learned so much over the last 30 days as I have posted. Most days I have had to struggle with which thankful thing to post and not struggled to think of what to post. For the last 30 days I have found myself remembering and appreciating all the small things in life that I so often just overlook.

Today I am thankful for this little boy:

Little Man alone has enriched my life immeasurably, but when you add on all the people that have come into my life because of this adoption I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I am going to attempt to give thanks to lots of people I did not specifically thank as this month passed.

Lisa & Nate, Audrey & Byron , Monica, Laura, Glynnis & Joe, Brenna & John and Jim: My travel group, these people were there with my in Ethiopia. We were all becoming parents, some of us for the first time and others were experienced. But new parent or experienced this was a group of people that I am thankful to call Little Man and I's extended family. They were my rocks, sounding boards, shopping companions, source of laughter during our time in Ethiopia. I am thankful everyday for the beauty and diversity of this group.

Jen M- My daily email/phone buddy. I am so glad that the timing of our processes worked out as they did that we would be there to support each other all along the way. I was so sad that you were sick at travel time. But am forever thankful for your support through day to day wait, court difficulties, travel anxiety, and all the new mommy trials. I am blessed that we got to meet and share a "birthday" celebration of our boys not long after coming home. Thank you for always listening and never judging!

Janet- My amazing adoption coordinator and friend. You walked me through this, holding my hand and being the calm voice on the other end of the phone. You cried with me when court was not successful and rejoiced at the day I became a mom. I am so glad we live close enough that you can be a part of this precious boy and I's lives. God certainly knew what he was doing when he led me to you. Thank you for just being you!

Sarah T- Wow girl not sure where to begin...my late night phone buddy. We had our first court date together and shared the disappointment of it not happening. I rejoiced as you passed the next go round and appreciated your support of my tears as I did not. You are the sister I have not met, yet! Thank you for trusting me when things are hard and for listening to me when things here are hard. Thank you for the laughter and the tears we have shared for over two years on the phone. A meeting has to happen..SOON.

Rosie and Jillian- The two of you have helped me keep my sanity. You provided pictures of little man for me from before he was even mine. You support me as I navigate these times, believing me about the hard and never doubting the words I say. You have trusted me to be a part of your guys families and have welcomes little man and I into your families. God has certainly blessed me by making sure the two of you were here in NC with me, a bit of a tease that you are both a couple of hours in opposite directions of me :)

The rest of the IAG group- The pictures, the updates and the support we gave each other while waiting, when we came home and even now years later. There were times that were tough and things we had questions about, but it is through this agency that you are all a part of my life and that my son is my son and so I am eternally grateful.

There are so many friends that were in my life during the process and I am thankful for their support. Many of them are still in my life, some of them are not but whether they are standing by me today or not I am thankful for the part they played in the story.

Little Man- You have taught me to trust, to believe that regardless of how hard this moment is that the joy that comes next makes it all worthwhile. You have taught me to slow and listen to the crow caw, to see the workers on the street as we drive by, to notice the puddle that is calling to be jumped in and the shiny rock that wants to be in your pocket. You have shown me that while love is not always enough it the only place to start to heal. When your little hand reaches to hold mine, the world stops. When you suck your lips in, say they are missing, and then give me a kiss so you can "find" them again, my heart explodes. When the dark is scary and you say "mom I need your bed because it is safe there", I melt. I am so thankful that I get to be your mom, that I get to kiss the hurts away, that I get to witness the healing that is taking place. Thank you little man for the gift of you and the friends you have brought into my life.

Thirty days of Thankful- Day 18

Day 18

Today I am thankful for little man! Two years ago today a judge in Ethiopia declared him my son! It would be another month before I got to go and meet him to bring him home. But today I celebrate becoming a mom legally :) He has made my world a better place!

2 years ago

Last year!

This year!

Thirty Days of Thankful- Day 6

Day 6- a little late

Okay so I am late posting my thankful for on Day 6.

Today I am thankful for adoption. It is Orphan Sunday and I did not get a chance to actually share my adoption experience. Adoption brought me the most amazing son and has enriched my life in more ways than I thought possible. So today I am thankful for this little man in my life.

Growth spurts, 2 1/2 and sensory issues....

...any of those can make a day hard when I have all three at the same time it makes for an exhausted momma. I don't discuss the SPD very often, not for any shame, for in person I will gladly talk about it, discuss it, strategize with you. But here on a blog it can be such a misunderstood diagnosis and it looks so different for everyone.

But tonight in my exhaustion I will talk because right now I am not sure which of the three is causing the trouble or are they all feeding each other. He is 2 1/2 which means life is a challenge for him and I. He is growing right now, I feel like I can almost see him getting taller everyday :)

For 10 months we have worked with an OT and DT to help handle the SPD and have made such progress. Then this last week and a half it seems to have all unraveled. I know that is not true, just a moment of fatigue and emotions. But for the last several nights it has taken almost 2 hours to get him to sleep. That is after bedtime routine.

Little man sleeps with a weighted blanket, we have a rocking chair and we have done all that. Sleep finally comes him swaddled in a 12 lb weighted blanket (on his 25 lb body) , me holding him against my body; pressure coming from me and the blanket, music or me talking, him listening to my heartbeat and frantically sucking on a binky. (I tried to take the binky away at 2 and again in June, but the sucking calms the anxiety caused by his body feeling out of control.) The other night he dissolved into tears complaining "momma I tired make the legs stop" and I feel helpless. Last night he put on shoes to sleep. more pressure on his feet. He is a sensory seeker.

So tonight I laid him on me, blanket on top of both of us, tv on (which is normally not ever a way he gets to fall asleep) and tried to calm my breathing, tried to not think of all that needed to get done and just be in the moment with my son. He was exhausted, so wound today he didn't nap at the babysitters, and he fell asleep close to his normal time. Snuggled under the weight of the blanket and pressure of my arms. Tonight it worked well and I didn't feel so helpless.

Tomorrow is a new morning and maybe with enough sleep tonight things will start to even out for him. In the meantime I try and remember that no matter how tired I am it is worse for him, the out of control feeling has got to be worse.

Sometimes life is just hard...

Not a very uplifting title I know, but it is where my head is right now.

Sometimes life is hard and I am not talking about just life for me. The economy is making it hard on lots of people, there are illnesses, and trauma (current and past) that families are dealing with, there are lots of things that can make life "hard".

There are also things that make life simple and beautiful, good friends and family, a support system that is unbelievable, a smile from a your child, the feeling of the little hand reaching to hold yours as you walk, a good phone conversation and the list could continue.

I try to focus on all the things that make life simple and beautiful and not dwell on those that are making it hard. Sometimes easier said than done :)

A day of painting simple and beautiful

2 years ago..

This post is actually long overdue, but life has been crazy so I am just getting to it.

On March 2, 2009 I opened my email after a long conversation with my amazing adoption coordinator to this face:

and my heart melted.

(Now I must be honest and say there was another little face in that email as well and I struggled with the was I suppose to adopt two and not just one. Common sense, some friendly conversations and a long heart to heart with God told me that one was enough...for now.)

I was in love. I was in shock. You see in January when I first signed on with IAG to adopt I was sent a waiting child's list, just to get an idea of what it looked like and so on. And this face, caught my attention:

At that time I figured he would never still be waiting when it came time for me to be ready. (Okay that was after I thought in my head, that he had a grumpy old man look!) But he was still waiting and I sit today knowing that he was waiting for me.

Four days later I sat at lunch with my awesome friend Shevaun and did this:

signed the paperwork officially accepting the referral for him.

It is hard to believe it has been 2 years since I laid eyes on him as my child in waiting for me. Those eyes still melt my heart and he does still occasionally get that furrowed, grumpy brow look, but he is mine and I am his.

Here he is two years later dancing, happy and sharing an afternoon with a family that met him when he was in Ethiopia, waiting on me to find him that January 2009!

I Love you little man and am so proud to be your mom. You have blessed my life.