It is hard to remember my thoughts on adoption before my adoption. But here is what I do remember. I knew early in my adulthood that I would adopt at some point. I knew love was not limited by biology.
But I remember being afraid of the "what ifs...." What if the birth mother comes back? What if my child asks about their past that I can't answer? What if there are special needs I am not prepared for? What if I can't afford the whole process? And the what if thoughts continued. It took me lots of years before I jumped with both feet, arms wide open into the adoption world.
One day though I just knew. There was a sense of peace that I was meant to be a mom for a child who needed a safe place to land
#knittogetherbyadoption
#adoptionawareness
#loveknowsnoboundary
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Monday, November 2, 2015
Adoption Awareness Day 2: Introduction
#knittogetherbyadoption
#adoptionawareness
#loveknownoboundary
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Adoption Awareness Day 1: Fact
Facts:
I have one adopted child from Ethiopia.
He is my child, not my "adopted" child
I have one adopted child from Ethiopia.
He is my child, not my "adopted" child
I am his "real" mom
Fiction:
I did not "pick" him out.
He is not "lucky" to have me.
I am not special .
I did not "pick" him out.
He is not "lucky" to have me.
I am not special .
#knittogetherbyadoption
#adoptionawarenss
#loveknownoboundary
Sunday, January 18, 2015
A time of emotions and words that are a jumble.
Each night I hold his hand and rub his back as part of the night time routine. And each morning I kiss his cheek, slide my finger into his hand, which he still instinctively squeezes, and call his name to wake him up. Some nights he still asks me to lay down and snuggle with him as he goes to sleep and some morning he climbs into my bed and asks for snuggles. I cherish these moments because I know that at some point he won't want/need me to do that anymore.
This week after watching him drift off to sleep I have knelt and prayed. I have prayed that God protect his heart, that God help me raise him into a young man that loves Him, that he grows to be a man of strength and honesty. And then I have prayed that God gives me the words, the strength and the courage to face that which is hard and scary. That I know what to say to him, when the time comes, about all the information I have received and will hopefully be receiving in the coming weeks to months. I have prayed that God protect us both and I have prayed that God is protecting the heart of Little Man's tummy mommy.
I have spent this week ranging in emotions from scared to angry to proud to sickened. I have searched for words and found none. I have felt strong and then felt the wetness of tears on my cheeks. I have laid down to sleep and had words racing through my mind. I see Little Man as a baby in Ethiopia and then a slideshow of pictures of him here with me race through my mind. I see all the faces of those here that love him and lift him and I up.
The last two weeks have been ground breaking for the adoption world. Through the strength and determination of a group of adoptive parents charges were brought against International Adoption Guides. (Yes, this is the agency I used to adopt Little Man) While I was not in the group that brought charges, I completely supported the group that did and even offered the investigator anything I might have that might be helpful. But I adopted a baby so there was not much information I had to contribute. In the last 2 weeks both the Director and Executive Director pled guilty to some or all the charges brought against them. There was no trial and thankfully no media circus to get caught up in. But their guilt means a so many things on so many levels.
Most important to me, is that hopefully it will mean I will have the true story to one day give Little Man** about his Tummy Mommy. But it also may mean that the story I have given him is not true. That there could be a mom in Ethiopia wondering where and how her child is tonight.
The guilt of these people means that there were kids who had loving parents that wanted to raise them, who lost their children to greed. But their guilt also means that as adoptive parents we are standing up and saying yes, we want to adopt ORPHANS, not kids you "find" and claim are orphans. It means that kids, babies, birth moms and adoptive parents matter more than money. Lives matter, no matter their language, country or financial status.
So many have been hurt by this and sadly so many more will be hurt as the truth comes out. So tonight as I lay him to bed I let my fingers linger a little longer in his hair. I pray one more time to protect him and me. And I pray that his Tummy Mommy is safe and some how, knows he is loved and cared for every day by so many people. But I also pray for a future that is now riddled with more questions than an adopted child normally has. I pray for the safety and trust of our relationship, that while he may one day question it, that he knows in his heart I was honest, I was safe and I fought for his truth.
Adoption is a beautiful thing. Corruption makes it ugly. May we come through this time holding something beautiful at the end….our family…however it now looks.
**Please don't asks me for his story. Even when I do know as much of it as possible, it is his story to share when he is ready. I will protect it fiercely just as I protect him
This week after watching him drift off to sleep I have knelt and prayed. I have prayed that God protect his heart, that God help me raise him into a young man that loves Him, that he grows to be a man of strength and honesty. And then I have prayed that God gives me the words, the strength and the courage to face that which is hard and scary. That I know what to say to him, when the time comes, about all the information I have received and will hopefully be receiving in the coming weeks to months. I have prayed that God protect us both and I have prayed that God is protecting the heart of Little Man's tummy mommy.
I have spent this week ranging in emotions from scared to angry to proud to sickened. I have searched for words and found none. I have felt strong and then felt the wetness of tears on my cheeks. I have laid down to sleep and had words racing through my mind. I see Little Man as a baby in Ethiopia and then a slideshow of pictures of him here with me race through my mind. I see all the faces of those here that love him and lift him and I up.
The last two weeks have been ground breaking for the adoption world. Through the strength and determination of a group of adoptive parents charges were brought against International Adoption Guides. (Yes, this is the agency I used to adopt Little Man) While I was not in the group that brought charges, I completely supported the group that did and even offered the investigator anything I might have that might be helpful. But I adopted a baby so there was not much information I had to contribute. In the last 2 weeks both the Director and Executive Director pled guilty to some or all the charges brought against them. There was no trial and thankfully no media circus to get caught up in. But their guilt means a so many things on so many levels.
Most important to me, is that hopefully it will mean I will have the true story to one day give Little Man** about his Tummy Mommy. But it also may mean that the story I have given him is not true. That there could be a mom in Ethiopia wondering where and how her child is tonight.
The guilt of these people means that there were kids who had loving parents that wanted to raise them, who lost their children to greed. But their guilt also means that as adoptive parents we are standing up and saying yes, we want to adopt ORPHANS, not kids you "find" and claim are orphans. It means that kids, babies, birth moms and adoptive parents matter more than money. Lives matter, no matter their language, country or financial status.
So many have been hurt by this and sadly so many more will be hurt as the truth comes out. So tonight as I lay him to bed I let my fingers linger a little longer in his hair. I pray one more time to protect him and me. And I pray that his Tummy Mommy is safe and some how, knows he is loved and cared for every day by so many people. But I also pray for a future that is now riddled with more questions than an adopted child normally has. I pray for the safety and trust of our relationship, that while he may one day question it, that he knows in his heart I was honest, I was safe and I fought for his truth.
Adoption is a beautiful thing. Corruption makes it ugly. May we come through this time holding something beautiful at the end….our family…however it now looks.
**Please don't asks me for his story. Even when I do know as much of it as possible, it is his story to share when he is ready. I will protect it fiercely just as I protect him
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
A mother's heart…in pieces
I can't make my brain and my heart stop whirling. I can't stop the anger and the tears! I can't stop the guilt, and that last one maybe the reason I have chosen to blog about this.
The guilt seeps in slowly and tends to fog my overall vision of what is going on.
I am an adoptive mother and I love my child with every fiber of my being. I have, since the day I started the process, known that I would always share his story with him. That he would know how we came to be a family. Even at his age, he knows about his tummy mommy, we talk about what I "know" of her. We talk about how he grew in my heart until I could get there to bring him home. I am his momma. I am with him everyday to help him grow.
I am a mother. A mother who would move heaven and Earth to keep my child safe. I am a momma bear when it comes to protecting him. I can't keep the pain away, I can't stop the hurts, but I can arm him with love, confidence and knowledge to help when hurt and pain happens. I am there to help, to protect and to guide him.
I am an advocate. I fought for my child's health and well-being. Both physical and emotional. I have spent countless hours with therapists and doctors to make sure he is growing into his full potential. I have worked to create the safety and security he needs. I regret not one penny, not one mile on the road back and forth, not one minute of the time it took for healing. We worked for secure attachment, we worked to be a family, and we continue to work to process the hurts and fears of the past so we can live today.
Those three parts of me all come together to form the mom that is raising the most amazing young man. And yet, those three parts can not seem to all work together to process the mess that is whirling around us right now.
I am his mother.. and he is my son. I love him in a way I never knew was possible. When I first got the news about the fraud I panicked. I admit, with some shame, that I worried about me and what would happen to us. I was selfish and asked first "can they come take him?" "Could they make him go back to Ethiopia?" Am I proud that those were my first thoughts and not thoughts of truth and justice? No, I am not, but I am a mother and protecting him is my first instinct. We are a family and I will fight for my family.
Not long after those thoughts, wrapped in anger and fear, ran through my head, the tears started to fall and my heart started to break. His tummy mommy….the thought of her crawled through my brain, my heart, my sunken stomach. What if……what if she had not intended to give him up? What if she is healthy and could be raising him? What if she is sitting worried and wondering where he is? Is he alive? Well cared for? Fed? Warm? Happy? I am a mother, I may not have given birth to him, but I am a mother and I would hunt to find my child. If the proper channels were not followed and this mother had wanted to raise her child what do I do? How do I give him both of us? How do I honor her and me at the same time?
And as those thoughts finished winding their way around my heart, I was brought almost literally to my knees. My Little Man's face race through my mind and waves of pure anger and total devastation both washed over me at the same time. The littlest victim in all of this is him. I am all he knows…I am the one who gets to hug and kiss him everyday. I am the one who gets to wipe away the tears when hurts happen and share in the joys and laughter in the good moments. After all the work I am his safe place, his security. But she gave him life. And possibly she wanted to raise him and due to the greed of this agency she is not. He has been through so much in his little life and now this. He is too little to know this and I won't share it with him. But one day it may need to be a part of the story I tell him.
And then the guilt takes over and some shame. I was called to adopt, wasn't I? Didn't I know from a young age that I was suppose to adopt? And this is how it turns out…my brain can't comprehend the evil that led to this. And my heart it is in too many pieces to put it all together right now. *
This is the whirlwind I have been going through.
(* I know that Little Man has received medical care and opportunities with me he would not otherwise have had. I have come to realize that maybe I was called to be the soft place he landed in the midst of all the evil. But it is still hard to wrap my brain around it all)
The guilt seeps in slowly and tends to fog my overall vision of what is going on.
I am an adoptive mother and I love my child with every fiber of my being. I have, since the day I started the process, known that I would always share his story with him. That he would know how we came to be a family. Even at his age, he knows about his tummy mommy, we talk about what I "know" of her. We talk about how he grew in my heart until I could get there to bring him home. I am his momma. I am with him everyday to help him grow.
I am a mother. A mother who would move heaven and Earth to keep my child safe. I am a momma bear when it comes to protecting him. I can't keep the pain away, I can't stop the hurts, but I can arm him with love, confidence and knowledge to help when hurt and pain happens. I am there to help, to protect and to guide him.
I am an advocate. I fought for my child's health and well-being. Both physical and emotional. I have spent countless hours with therapists and doctors to make sure he is growing into his full potential. I have worked to create the safety and security he needs. I regret not one penny, not one mile on the road back and forth, not one minute of the time it took for healing. We worked for secure attachment, we worked to be a family, and we continue to work to process the hurts and fears of the past so we can live today.
Those three parts of me all come together to form the mom that is raising the most amazing young man. And yet, those three parts can not seem to all work together to process the mess that is whirling around us right now.
I am his mother.. and he is my son. I love him in a way I never knew was possible. When I first got the news about the fraud I panicked. I admit, with some shame, that I worried about me and what would happen to us. I was selfish and asked first "can they come take him?" "Could they make him go back to Ethiopia?" Am I proud that those were my first thoughts and not thoughts of truth and justice? No, I am not, but I am a mother and protecting him is my first instinct. We are a family and I will fight for my family.
Not long after those thoughts, wrapped in anger and fear, ran through my head, the tears started to fall and my heart started to break. His tummy mommy….the thought of her crawled through my brain, my heart, my sunken stomach. What if……what if she had not intended to give him up? What if she is healthy and could be raising him? What if she is sitting worried and wondering where he is? Is he alive? Well cared for? Fed? Warm? Happy? I am a mother, I may not have given birth to him, but I am a mother and I would hunt to find my child. If the proper channels were not followed and this mother had wanted to raise her child what do I do? How do I give him both of us? How do I honor her and me at the same time?
And as those thoughts finished winding their way around my heart, I was brought almost literally to my knees. My Little Man's face race through my mind and waves of pure anger and total devastation both washed over me at the same time. The littlest victim in all of this is him. I am all he knows…I am the one who gets to hug and kiss him everyday. I am the one who gets to wipe away the tears when hurts happen and share in the joys and laughter in the good moments. After all the work I am his safe place, his security. But she gave him life. And possibly she wanted to raise him and due to the greed of this agency she is not. He has been through so much in his little life and now this. He is too little to know this and I won't share it with him. But one day it may need to be a part of the story I tell him.
And then the guilt takes over and some shame. I was called to adopt, wasn't I? Didn't I know from a young age that I was suppose to adopt? And this is how it turns out…my brain can't comprehend the evil that led to this. And my heart it is in too many pieces to put it all together right now. *
This is the whirlwind I have been going through.
(* I know that Little Man has received medical care and opportunities with me he would not otherwise have had. I have come to realize that maybe I was called to be the soft place he landed in the midst of all the evil. But it is still hard to wrap my brain around it all)
Monday, February 24, 2014
How do I process?
There are many emotions that swirl around you as a parent period. There are times that even more emotions are brought to surface (birthdays, adoption days, mother's day) as an adoptive parent. But I have never had emotions like I have in the last few days.
I don't guarantee this will make sense to many people, but I process by writing so I am going to write.
In the last few days I have discovered things that are the storylines for Lifetime movies about my adoption agency and by extension my life. I have found myself angry one moment and in a puddle of tears the next and sick to my stomach the next.
How do I process that there is a possibility that Little Man did not come to me through the correct channels for adoption?
How do I begin to process that there is the possibility that there is a mom in Ethiopia who never intended for her son to be adopted and wonders where he might be and if he is safe?
How do I process that I truly believe I was "called" to adopt and yet there is all of this stuff?
How do I process all the families that have been hurt by this evil?
How do I process the innocent victims, that people would do this to children?
Just how do I process
How do I process all the families that have been hurt by this evil?
How do I process the innocent victims, that people would do this to children?
Just how do I process
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Topsy Turvy
I am still in the process of processing what all this means, but last week things went a little topsy turvy in my world. New information is coming in daily and it is too much and too hard to even comprehend it all at once.
Yes, this is the agency I used to adopt Little Man. Let me answer a few questions first before we even get started.
Could he be sent back?
He is my son and there is no process for undoing an international adoption even when fraud is involved.
Is his paperwork fraudulent?
That I don't know yet and I am working on figuring it out. He deserves to know the truth when he gets old enough to understand it.
Did I know this about the agency when I started the process?
Absolutely not! I researched and had heard good things about them. There were things that were brought to my attention a few months after coming home. But what I knew was one piece of a large iceberg. Even the families involved in this initial indictment are reeling from all we are discovering now. As we read and learn more we are ALL shocked, angered and sad and so many other emotions by what we learn.
There are many other questions that people and myself have that I can't put to words yet. Give me time to process this and I will write as I go. Please know this is a tough and vulnerable time for me and many parents who adopted with this agency. There is much pain and much anger for so many at this point.
Let me reassure one more thing…right now he has no idea any of this is going on. He is too young and it is too early. We are doing daily life like normal…today we will go swimming and playing with friends. I will post later about some processing I am doing.
But for now here is the article that sent my world upside down last week.
IAG Indictment
Yes, this is the agency I used to adopt Little Man. Let me answer a few questions first before we even get started.
Could he be sent back?
He is my son and there is no process for undoing an international adoption even when fraud is involved.
Is his paperwork fraudulent?
That I don't know yet and I am working on figuring it out. He deserves to know the truth when he gets old enough to understand it.
Did I know this about the agency when I started the process?
Absolutely not! I researched and had heard good things about them. There were things that were brought to my attention a few months after coming home. But what I knew was one piece of a large iceberg. Even the families involved in this initial indictment are reeling from all we are discovering now. As we read and learn more we are ALL shocked, angered and sad and so many other emotions by what we learn.
There are many other questions that people and myself have that I can't put to words yet. Give me time to process this and I will write as I go. Please know this is a tough and vulnerable time for me and many parents who adopted with this agency. There is much pain and much anger for so many at this point.
Let me reassure one more thing…right now he has no idea any of this is going on. He is too young and it is too early. We are doing daily life like normal…today we will go swimming and playing with friends. I will post later about some processing I am doing.
But for now here is the article that sent my world upside down last week.
IAG Indictment
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)