Stuck together with super glue- remembering the past and rejoicing in the now

             The last few days have been a bit hard with Little Man. Between being tired plus a change of schedule and current boundary testing, he has been  off. Trying not to add too much thought into it, this has historically been a hard time of year for him as well. (Yes, I know he is only 4,  how much history is there, but there is history) So I have taken tonight after I got him to sleep to sit and look back at where we were and where we are now.

He is also angry about something right now and he is spending time yelling at me, but he trusts enough to yell and know I am not leaving. He is doing all those things he should have done to test boundaries at 2 & 3 but didn't really do because he was dealing with too many other things. He is challenging me and I am tired, but when I look back, I am no where as tired as I was 2 years ago.

Two years ago at this time Little Man was having nightmares (night terrors) so bad I was  lucky to be getting 2-4 hours of sleep a night. The terror would wake him at between 12 and 1am and he would be wired, terrified of sleep coming, so he would force himself awake for hours on end. Generally falling back to sleep around 4am. The day would start for me around 5:30 and him around 6:30. I am not sure how we made it through those days, but we did and we managed to laugh and love and grow closer in our relationship. The night terrors went on for a long time; with periods of calm followed by periods of chaos.
     I just pushed through until it all got too hard and I finally reached out for help. I called our pediatrician explained the night terrors, his reactions and where we were at. She said it was time to get help. I am thankful everyday for that phone call.
   I had a phone conversation with an amazing woman Mrs P., who gave me hope and more importantly let me know I was not losing my mind. Shortly after that phone conversation we met Ms R.  and started therapy. We started to work on the things that were causing the night terrors.  I learned things about a young mind that floored me, humbled me and inspired me. Therapy has given us nights filled with sleep, days filled with more love and laughter. It has created an attachment between little man and I that never thought we would truly achieve. It has allowed him to rest, to grow, to feel safe and secure. When we started the therapy Little Man was affectionately known as "the floating head" He knew lots of things in his brain, but refused to actually feel the rest of his body. Today he mostly allows himself to take it all in. We still have work to do and we will continue, but we have come so far.

About the time we started to get help with the terrors, we started having the issues with his GI tract. Eating became a challenge again. I overlooked it, blamed it on the sleeping being weird, it being developmentally appropriate anything, but thinking something was wrong. It got worse until we landed in the hospital twice in 2 months and again for a barrage of testing  two months later. T

The GI tract is still an issue, his response to physical pain- still a challenge, getting caught up emotionally to his chronological age - still a process. But he is secure and he is doing things a 4 year old boy should be doing and I rejoice in that. We have worked hard at weekly therapy for 20 months, we have started medications to help calm his brain so he can process that this, our family, is permanent. We still are seeing doctors to work on neurological and physical issues, but we are working the process together, with a better understanding of what is going on and how to handle it.

Tonight I am drained, in every sense of that word; mental, emotional, physical, financial all of it. We got not so great news at GI today and so we face the next challenge. But at the same time we got news that the MRI looks good. Therapy is going so well that we are cutting back, scaling down the support. Mrs P. and Ms R. believe that I can handle it, that he is doing awesome and we together are good. I am nervous but excited. They have been my support and understanding in ways that are sometime hard for the outsider/casual observer to get.

But tonight I am also thankful that when he laughs and smiles with me, that  his big brown eyes can light the room. The joy goes all the way through him. That tonight he could tell me "God is in my heart and all around me and He loves me."

There will always be growth, as there is with any parent/child relationship. But tonight in this moment Little Man knows the super glue has dried and we are stuck together forever. It will stretch to let us go apart but it will always bring us back together.

Interesting information: How one as little as Little Man can have to fight the past.

   Most people who meet Little Man or who look at pictures of him comment on how happy he is and then usually comment on his eyes or his smile. All of which I love and agree with! He is a happy kid, most of the time.

 As I have traveled the road of being a mom of a child from trauma I have found that I encounter people who respond usually in one of three ways to the journey we are on: 1) Acceptance and/or even knowledge of the road we travel and what it, at least, generally looks like. 2)  A want to know what  or how something like this can remain in a child who was so young's mind. And a belief that the road Little Man is walking is real and hard 3) Complete disbelief that a child who came to me at a year old can have memories and trauma "when he was just a baby."

From the beginning none of these responses have shocked me.  The people in group one have become my safety, those that I call on in the dark moments; they cheer me on, lift me up and try to help me understand what is going on and how to help. The people in group two have become my cheerleaders and support system as well. They listen, ask and are willing to accept and help when, where and how they can. Some in group 3 move quickly into group 2 or even 1 and some in group 3 move quickly out of my life. I have lost friends over this journey which makes me sad. Please know that I am by NO means an expert at what is happening in my child's brain that causes these triggers and response. I am learning every day with him and how to help him. But I know that look of fear in his eyes, the sound of his breathing, the stiffness of his body and the beat of his heart when he no longer feels the safety of his present and is in the grasp of his past.

The other day a friend of mine from that first group of people, who happens to be walking the road and has intimate knowledge of what it is like sent me this link:  Trauma Doesn't Tell Time

This article does a great job of explaining what is happening and why.

This paragraph at the beginning of the article explains a bunch of the questions people ask me in ways I have never been able to explain it.
Traumatic experiences, even the earliest and preverbal traumatic experiences, remain stored in our children’s brains. The normal information processing system that stores memories in the appropriate places in our brain is thwarted by the cascade of hormones and neurochemicals that are released during a traumatic or frightening experience. The memory- along with the images, feelings, and body sensations, remain literally frozen in their nervous system.

Please go read the article: I learned a lot about what Little Man is going through and even some things to help him. If you are in our lives and want to know more this is a great place to start and then talk to me, ask me questions let me share a little about it with you.  For those of you who already talk, ask and listen, this article just puts it in words that I have never been able to.

Thank you to all the groups of people I encounter, yes even the group 3's because they challenge me to make sure I understand and can explain it. For those who are my support system: I am not sure I say it often enough you guys are my rock when I am not sure how to stand. Thank you so much for all of  the love, kind words, time, hugs and so much else you give to us!

Blessed

  The last several days have been filled with blessings and I am taking the time to count them right now!   I have recently let myself get caught up in negative thinking and worry so tonight I focus on the positive!

Blessing # 1    Little Man finished school last week and got a wonderful end of year "report card." He has shown growth in almost every area. There are a few of his scores that just made me chuckle at, like apparently he doesn't want to help clean up at school. I asked him why..his response " mommy at home it is you and me and I help there. In class there are lots of people to help the teacher clean up." Just had to shake my head. He is growing so much!

 Blessing # 2   Now because his school ended and mine has not there were a few days I had to figure out care for him  before his camp started. A wonderful teacher that I work with offered a while ago to watch him for me if I ever need it, so I asked her if she wanted to have some Little Man time for a couple days. She happily said yes and spent two days caring for him while I was at work. They had a blast. In face the first day when I came home he was "mad" I was home and that Ms R was going home! It was kind of cute, he crossed arms and stomped upstairs telling me to go away. He went to bed that night and got up the next morning double checking she was coming back...think he developed a little crush!

Blessing # 3   Those words you didn't even know you needed to hear but once they are voiced make such an impact on you. Friday afternoon Little Man and I got to spend some time socially with some people I work with. Now one of the people who was there has seen him since he was about 18 months old, which was about 6 months after we came home! As we were sitting at the table talking, she said to me "Wow he has grown so much. It is amazing what school and everything has done for him." She continued to go on and be more specific about things that she saw as growth and even mentioned that she wanted to share a little with "her man" so he would know how amazing it was to see Little Man like he was that night. She is well aware of all that we have and are going through, but I am not sure she has any idea how much those words, her observations and comments meant to me. I think all parents like to hear that their kids are growing, but as a momma of a child from a trauma background to have someone comment on his "growth" is sometimes all the encouragement you need to keep going down the tough roads. Thank you Tonya for the comment, for noticing..for giving me, probably totally unknowingly, a light to keep holding on to when there are dark moments.

Blessing # 4  Living like family! Little Man and I got a chance to spend some good quality time with an awesome family at church yesterday and today. We spent the day/night with them yesterday and had so much fun. I am always so grateful for the time with them. On top of having us over for the day, we stayed over night and they helped cover the last day of care I needed for Little Man. On top of them helping, two other amazing women from my church came and played a part. One of them was already planning on watching their two kids today while they were at work, with a little conversation another friend and her one month old son came over to add and extra pair of hands so that Little Man could add into the mix of care. That meant that for a time period there were 2 four year olds, a one year old and a one month old! Vickie and Megan I can't thank you enough for being willing to help and add Little Man into the mix today. To the Aguilar family, thank you for opening your home to add us in yesterday and today. Upon giving a thank you "gift" I was quickly informed that is what living like family means. Yes, it is! Thanks for loving us like family and reminding me how my "family" is growing!

I am blessed! Life may have some tough moments and I may be in the midst of them in several areas right now, but if I take the time I am reminded that there are more blessings to count if I just take the time!

Water play with friends today!

Bedtime conversations

One of my favorite times is putting Little Man to bed, (not because it means quiet time is coming for me) but because I love the routine of that time. We do all the typical bedtime things and then climb in bed and read 2-3 books. Little Man generally curls up, head on my shoulder and "reads" with me. We finish reading and he begs for another one, no matter how many we have read. Then it is hugs and kisses time; butterfly, eskimo and regular kisses and the now "hippo kisses", invented by a cute little boy who was looking for one more way to stay awake and another reason to laugh. I go to leave the room, he asks me to "sleep with me mommy." I say I have things I need to go get done and he very sweetly with 2 fingers in the air says "2 minutes mommy, just 2 minutes " Generally at that point I relent and lay down for "2 minutes" He cuddles in and I enjoy the sweet snuggles of my little man. Now sometimes it truly is only 2 minutes and I leave him, sometimes I stay until he is asleep and sometimes I stay until I wake back up again :) lol

But tonight the conversation turned a little more serious and a lot more sad. I had left and he came down to tell me he was scared. I took him back up and we talked about what he was scared of and why he felt he need the "big" light on in order to sleep. It started out as simple scared of the dark and then he kept talking about his being scared. Scared of the spooky things he said and then his eyes gave him away.  The sad overpowered the "scared" So I asked "Little Man what are you sad about?" The conversation then proceeded like this:

LM: Mommy how strong is our super glue? ( a phrase we have used to tell him that we are "stuck" with each other)

Me: Super strong buddy

LM: What kind of super glue is it?

Me: A special kind that allows us to go different places like school/work and yet always come back together.

LM: When does it break?

Me: It doesn't

LM: You mean we are together forever and ever and ever and ever

Me: Yeah buddy we are together forever

LM: I thought it went here is your son...here is your daughter...here is your son...here is your daughter..I thought it went like that

Me: What do you mean?

LM: I thought that soon they give you daughter and I go away. That we not stuck together forever. When you came I was scared of you and didn't want to go with you..I was so little like Charlie the Caterpillar when you came to bring me to this place, but now you help me grow and I would be scared to leave. 

Me: It is okay that you were scared of me. You were little and I was new.

LM: Were you scared of me?

Me: Nope, I knew I loved you, that you were in my heart and that I would take all the time you needed to not be scared of me.

LM: That is good and now we stuck with super glue. 

Me: You still scared or think you can sleep?

LM: I go with you to turn on big light and I go to sleep, not scare the spooky will bring you a daughter and take me away. 

Me: Okay...I love you Little Man.

3.5 years home and man oh man I wonder what goes on in that little man's head. I wonder what great things he will do. 

Sometimes "super glue" keeps us close during nap time.

Emotions

As I look at you sleeping in my lap, the smile tips the corners of my mouth,at the same time as the tears sting the corners of my eyes. 

I watched you fight a battle I have not seen in a while as you faded not so gently off to sleep tonight. While you have needed to know I was nearby lately, it has been a while since I have seen the pure panic in your eyes as you fight with all your being to not sleep. 

Wiggle the legs.....fiddle with the fingers......shift position...... now shift again.....whatever it takes.... don’t go to sleep, just keep checking. 

At last you curled on to me and asked “am I safe?” And the past came forward once again and the whispered mantra of many nights slipped from my lips. “You are safe, mommy is here. You are safe, I will not leave you.” Slowly, softly until the panic subsides, your head nods in agreement and eventually your body accepts and drifts off to sleep. 

And so the smile plays with the corners of my mouth as I look at you my beautiful son, sleeping with your head in my lap. Knowing that I am mommy and that those words, that reassurance relaxes and comforts you to sleep. I smile, my heart fills.

And yet...

The tears threaten to come as I look at the scar on your forehead from a nightmare that got you, before I could get to you. As I watch, even in sleep the tense movements of your body. I sit waiting for you to relax, for true comfort and rest to win. The tears silently slide as I wonder how to heal a hurt I can not truly comprehend. 

And yet for some reason this mix of emotions in both of us seems almost appropriate this night..the eve of Mother’s Day weekend.

The sweet taste of success

 Little Man has been seeing his therapist for the last 18 months. She is an amazing woman who has saved my sanity more than once. She has made hospital visits, answered phone calls and generally been available whenever we need her.  This week we had a session that was a sweet taste of success for all the work that he has been doing. He spent 55 minutes creating stories, laughing and playing with a sparkle in his eye that even made her comment.."wow what a great sparkle his eyes have."

His stories he created were age appropriate, 4 year old fight the bad guy, make him good bring him to our side little boy stories. There were no scary moments in the story, there were no babies being left by mommies that didn't want them, there were no people jumping out of the darkness to grab him, there were no ghosts trying to take him away. Nope none of that. There was just giggles and full out belly laughs as he played with his therapist and I.  Quite a change from a week ago when he role played a mommy who looked at her baby and said "I just don't want you go find another mommy"

Progress is so sweet. That laugh...that sparkle (which I do see in him more and more lately) make every penny I have paid and am in debt worth it. His happiness, safety and security are worth it all.

Grow and heal Little Man...embrace the world and show them your strength. You are unstoppable!

Standing humbly before you..

There are moments in life that strip you bare and leave you raw. Some of them are wonderful amazing moments, but lots of them are hard, tough moments. Whatever kind of moment they are, the final outcome is almost always growth.

Becoming a mother was a strip me bare and leave me raw moment that was both wonderful and hard. I think most parents would agree that parenthood does that to you whether you have a biological child, adopted child, step-child or foster child. And most certainly there has been growth out of that moment when I became a parent.

I live for those moments that are wonderful and amazing and I believe that I revel in those. People at work are probably sick of the pictures I share or the funny "Little Man-isms", but those moments, those funny statements, those happy pictures bring such peace to my soul. Those moments bring hope..bring the future to me now.

At some point when you are parenting a child from a "hard place", you lose the realization that you are facing those strip you bare hard moments until the one that knocks you flat to the ground, down to your knees. I don't share much about all the medical stuff Little Man is going through because it is his privacy and because there are lots of people who don't/won't understand all that he goes through.  I am choosing to share a little more today because I am on my knees, picking myself and him up.

Little man was diagnosed over a year ago with PTSD and has been seeing a therapist. She is awesome and he is doing amazing. She and I often sit back in amazement, looking at each other with questions in our eyes about how 'old" he really is, not on paper, but in his soul. He "remembers" things and shares things that break me...shatter me...and rebuild me all in about an hours time. "He was so little,"  "He was just a baby"...I have said those things, fought those thoughts and realized that my knowledge of what the body/brain holds on to..."remembers".... is limited to my world.

His world before me was not my world it was hard in ways I can not imagine, nor do I really want to, but I listen to him...I learn from him...from my 4 year old. He teaches me to reach further, to try hard, to laugh and smile at the moments that make you happy.

His medical struggles continue from there...they involve seeing specialist in both GI and Neurology. But for his privacy I chose not to divulge it all on my blog.

Why am I sharing any of it, you may ask?  Because the recent loss of our dog has triggered things in Little Man that set us back a few paces. That brought both of us to our knees slightly bloody as we fight to get back up. I will fight along side him, because he truly is the greatest inspiration to me. He can be fighting a demon I can not see, cuddle up to find comfort in me..sleep for a few and then awaken and find the beauty in the world, things to laugh at, flowers to pick and reasons to say I love you.

But this fight is costing money and lots of it. I am a single mom, who is a teacher. I love my child and I love my students. Economic times are hard and salaries are frozen while medical costs increase. I have reached a point of not having enough. But I won't stop his care, it is too important. So here I stand humbly before my friends and family asking you to join my fight for this precious boy. Prayers are always welcome. Phone calls and visits are a blessing. But in being real and honest finances are where the help is most crucial. I have set up a place for people to donate if they can. Any amount helps. If you can donate we are thankful, if you can't but will pray or call or visit we are just as grateful. If you would share the link and ask for help on our behave, I will have to pick myself back up from a stripped bare raw moment of gratitude.

I set the account up last week and was blessed rapidly with $500 in donations, it is a start on the mountain of debt I have accumulated. But I have to keep asking for it will not magically fund itself.

Thank you to all who have supported us along the way. To those at work who hug me, reassure me and listen to my stories you are a greater blessing than I can ever repay. To all who have walked this journey with us knowing or not knowing the details of the  struggles, your presence in our lives is a blessing.  While I am working my way to standing up and cleaning up. While I am holding Little Man high up so he can reach victory I am remind that God is walking with me, for he has placed you all in my life.

http://www.gofundme.com/2k7248