When grief strikes...

  I know his cries and whines...or so I thought.

We have been home for almost 3 years. He was a baby when they placed him in my arms, barely 18 lbs, just having celebrated his 1st birthday.  I learned the cry for tired, for hungry, for wet.  I learned his cry for just wanting attention (think tantrum) and his cry for hurt. And I thought I had learned his cry for sadness.

That is until the last couple of days. A new cry has appeared, a cry that pierces my heart, it starts almost as a scream and then shakes his whole body. Tears stream down his face and when he finally consents to being in my arms his body is rigid. Once I am holding him the crying calms slowly and then he lays still against my shoulder, no sound,  just slowly relaxing  for 5 or more minutes. During this time he will not make eye contact, in fact he won't even lift his head off my shoulder. Eventually he shifts to sitting sideways against me, resting his head against my chest so he can hear my heartbeat.

I can only describe this as grief. Why now and where it comes from I do not know. But I do know that despite what "people" want to say adopting a baby does not mean that the transition will be easy. It does not mean they don't remember, his body remembers. His body grieves the loss of something. And at this age when independence and control are battling in his life this grief strikes hard and fast.

Lately he has been talking about babies a lot. He has been asking to be a big brother, for me to have a baby in my tummy. I don't know where that comes from either. I wonder if the two are connected. I will never know.

For now all I can do is hold him, let him cry it out and reassure him that he is home forever.

My how he has grown

Little man fell asleep early and so I have been catching up on things tonight...one of those is this blog that I have neglected lately :) So I typically take Little man to get pictures taken every 6 month, I was a little late this year but still finally got his 3 1/2 year pictures taken. I can't believe my little boy is looking like such a big boy now.

Today I sit and wonder...

I wrote this 2 years ago before Mother's Day on a day often referred to as Birth Mother's day in the adoption world and just never published it. Today as I have simply enjoyed the little boy he is becoming I was overcome so many times with so many emotions. Today he and I watched his birth country win the gold medal in the women's marathon and I shared that with moment with him.  So I figured I would post it today as it still holds so very true.


Today I sit and wonder if she has had enough to eat.

Today I sit and wonder if she is well.

Today I sit and wonder if she thinks of him.

Today I sit and wonder if she has any idea the gift she gave me.

Today I sit in awe that I get to be a mom.

Today I sit in awe of the blessings I have been given

Today I sit in awe of the power of love.

Today I sit in awe of the little boy that calls me mom.

Today I sit and cry for a woman I will likely never meet.

Today I sit and cry for a mother and a son who had to part ways.

Today I sit and cry for families torn apart.

Today I sit and cry for the hunger and disease that still ravish this world.

Today I rejoice in the little boy I am raising

Today I rejoice in the life God trusted me with

Today I rejoice in being a mom!

Thank you Little Man for making me a mom!

His birthmom lives in my heart and crosses my mind on a regular basis. But today is a day I make sure to take the time to talk to him about her. To share what little I know. Today is the day we will plant a rose in her honor. We will watch it bloom each year and grow. We will remember that he and I get to grow together each year because of her love! Today is a day I make sure to share him with her.

Two tough little boys...

These are two of the toughest little boys I know. Now I realize I am a bit biased about this, due to the fact that I love and adore both of them, but truly when I look at the things they are experiencing in their lives I am in awe of how they handle it all. Two very different battles they fight.  I don't compare the two battles, just stand back in admiration of their spirits. recognizing that both little boys have the right to not be the happy, charming children they are most days.  What blessings they are in my life (and I am sure to Mr M's parents lives as well!)